as usual 
And, I think what I mean is…
Truly happy people never intentionally hurt anyone. And, if they ever discover that they did hurt someone unintentionally, they truly feel sorry that they did it, apologize and immediately stop doing whatever it was that caused the hurt. Hurting others actually makes happy people feel unhappy.
I know that I could not possibly be any happier than I am now. And, I know I was happy as a child, too - it’s just that, sometimes, I felt powerless and was unaware of the joy & love that surrounded me. I also, sometimes, was naive enough to believe the lies that the mean people wanted me to believe - that they were better than me. They weren’t. Their lives were not better. They were not better people. I was not inferior to them. I was, actually, happier than them. And, the only way they could make themselves feel better was to make me unhappy, too. This did not make their lives any better. This did not make them better people. It just made them feel like they were in control of something. Sure, I was more naive than them. Innocent & easy to trick, but, inside, I had a calm loving happy soul.
The pathways that were created in my mind, then - the reactions - the lessons that my subconcious learned, are actively a part of me now, even if my concious mind knows better.
I know, now, that I am exactly where I want to be in my life and with the person who I want to be with forever. We don’t fight. We do encourage, respect & love each other. I couldn’t imagine living with someone who I did not respect and love, and who did not feel the same about me, all of the time. And, I know that some people are actually living lives where this kind of respect and love is not so easy to come by.
I know how lucky I am. I know that there are people - real people - who value me as I am. And that I get to spend every day with them, and will get to be with them for the rest of my life. I also know that the people in my life are absolutely amazing, wonderful human beings and I am proud to know them all.
I also know that the very negative, very real *feelings* that I am having in my current life (along with the physiological reactions that the feelings elicit in me), when I am around certain people or when I am in certain situations, are all evoked by things that happened in my past. But, I also know that things that happened in my past are not necessarily happening now or are going to happen again. Although, I do know that I have never learned how to determine who I should trust & who I shouldn’t, so when the seed of distrust is planted, it’s hard for me to trust myself to know what to believe. I also know that it’s not all that important, either. None of these situations that are making me feel panicked & small & paranoid & distrustful are IRL. My foundation - my love, my family, my kids, my real life, are all just as wonderful as ever and getting better all the time.
So, anyway… I know that, in the long run, this is one of the best lives I’ve ever had
Jim got this in his e-mail (some ‘poem-of-the-day’ list he belonged to) a couple years ago & forwarded it to me. I love it.
Poem: “Anniversary,” by Davi Walders, from A More Perfect Union (St. Martin’s Press).
Anniversary
That you and I, I and you,
this twenty-fifth year after
you stamped your foot, shattered
the glass, and friends, so many dead
or forgotten, applauded in a ballroom
long abandoned, twenty-five years
of Monday good-byes, monthly wars
with stacks of bills, bags of garbage,
frozen gutters, nights filled
with pink medicines, fevered cheeks
on shoulders, the other hand reaching
for the pediatrician’s call, termites
chewing, and hours waiting
for the door to open, holding
our own daughter’s head vomiting
beer into our own leaking toilet,
that now, as mirrors mark the descent
of breasts, the tub catches silvered
pubic hair and our eyes wear pouches
and hoods, as though expecting rain,
that you and I could smell the salt
of each other, coming together after
long absence, silent, still, staring up
at the darkening ceiling, naked in a house
with empty, orderly bedrooms, the last
of dead roses and discarded boyfriends
tossed out, your hand touching mine,
our breathing slowing,
the wonder of it all.
Happiness Makes Up In Height
For What It Lacks In Length
Oh stormy, stormy world,
The days you were not swirled
Around with mist and cloud,
Or wrapped as in a shroud,
And the sun’s brilliant ball
Was not in part or all
Obscured from mortal view,
Were days so very few
I can but wonder whence
I get the lasting sense
Of so much warmth and light.
If my mistrust is right
It may be altogether
From on day’s perfect weather
When starting clear at dawn
The day went clearly on
To finish clear at eve.
I verily believe
My fair impression may
Be all from that one day
No shadow crossed but ours,
As through the blazing flowers
We went from house to wood
For change of solitude.
Our Hold on the Planet
We asked for rain. It didn’t flash and roar.
It didn’t lose its temper at our demand
And blow a gale. It didn’t misunderstand
And give us more than our spokesman bargained for;
And just because we owned to a wish for rain,
Send us a flood and bid us be damned and drown.
It gently threw us a glittering shower down.
And when we had taken that into the roots of grain,
It threw us another and then another still,
Till the spongy soil again was natal wet.
We may doubt the just proportion of good to ill.
There is much in nature against us. But we forget;
Take nature altogether since time began,
Including human nature, in peace and war,
And it must be a little more in favor of man,
Say a fraction of one percent at the very least,
Or our number living wouldn’t be steadily more,
Our hold on the planet wouldn’t have so increased.
God really needs to remind everyone what it’s all about. Because I think that the basic message (do unto others…) is being lost somewhere amongst all of the different man-made religions of the world.
648 deaths because one group of people claiming to follow god are afraid of another group of people claiming to follow god.
648 Dead, 322 Hurt in Iraq Bridge Stampede
Wednesday August 31, 2005 1:46 PM
AP Photo BAG108
By QASSIM ABDUL-ZAHRA
Associated Press Writer
BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) - At least 648 people were killed in a stampede on a bridge Wednesday when panic engulfed a Shiite religious procession amid rumors that a suicide bomber was about to attack, officials said. It was the single biggest confirmed loss of life in Iraq since the March 2003 invasion.
Scores jumped or were pushed to their deaths into the Tigris River, while others were crushed in the crowd. Most of the dead were women and children, Interior Ministry spokesman Lt. Col. Adnan Abdul-Rahman said.
Tensions already had been running high in the procession in Baghdad’s heavily Shiite Kazimiyah district because of a mortar attack two hours earlier against the shrine where the marchers were heading. The shrine was about a mile from the bridge.
Abdul-Rahman said 648 were killed and 322 injured, with survivors rushed in ambulances and private cars to several hospitals, where officials scrambled to compile accurate casualty figures.
Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari, a Shiite, declared a three-day mourning period.
Thousands of people rushed to both banks of the river to search for survivors, and bare-chested men jumped in to try to recover bodies.
Scores of bodies covered with white sheets lay on the sidewalk outside one hospital because the morgue was jammed. Many of them were women in black gowns, as well as children and old men.
Sobbing relatives wandered amid the bodies, lifting the sheets to try to identify their kin. When they found them, they would shriek in grief, pound their chests or collapse to the ground, sobbing.
Hundreds of thousands of Shiites had been marching across the bridge, which links a Sunni and Shiite neighborhood, heading for the tomb of Imam Mousa al-Kadhim, a 9th century Shiite saint.
Television reports said about 1 million pilgrims from Baghdad and outlying provinces had gathered near the shrine in the capital’s Kazimiyah district for the annual commemoration of the saint’s death. The shrine is about a mile from the bridge.
“We were on the bridge. It was so crowded. Thousands of people were surrounding me,'’ said survivor Fadhel Ali, 28, barefoot and soaking wet. “We heard that a suicide attacker was among the crowd. Everybody was yelling, so I jumped from the bridge into the river, swam and reached the bank. I saw women, children and old men falling after me into the water.'’
Health Minister Abdul-Mutalib Mohammed told state-run Iraqiya television that there were “huge crowds on the bridge and the disaster happened when someone shouted that there is a suicide bomber on the bridge.'’
“This led to a state of panic among the pilgrims and they started to push each other and there was many cases of suffocation,'’ he said.
Shiite processions, which can draw huge crowds, are often targeted by Sunni extremists seeking to trigger sectarian war, so worshippers are on guard for trouble.
First reports suggested that the bridge’s railing collapsed, but TV video showed the green, waist-high railing undamaged.
Mortar shells had exploded in the shrine compound about two hours earlier, killing at least seven people. U.S. Apache helicopters fired at the attackers.
Shiite religious festivals have often been targeted for attack by Sunni extremists seeking to trigger civil war among the rival communities.
In March 2004 suicide attackers struck worshippers at the Imam Kadhim shrine and a holy site in Karbala, killing at least 181 overall.
The head of the country’s major Sunni clerical group, the Association of Muslim Scholars, told Al-Jazeera television that Wednesday’s disaster was “another catastrophe and something else that could be added to the list of ongoing Iraqi tragedies.'’
“On this occasion we want to express our condolences to all the Iraqis and the parents of the martyrs, who fell today in Kazimiyah and all over Iraq,'’ said the cleric, Haith al-Dhari.
Elsewhere, a U.S. soldier was killed Tuesday by a roadside bomb in the city of Iskandariyah, about 30 miles south of Baghdad, the military said.
Eyewitnesses said the town of Qaim, about 200 miles northwest of Baghdad, was quiet and virtually deserted Wednesday after a day of heavy fighting between the pro-government Bumahl tribe and the pro-insurgent Karabilah tribe. Iraqi officials said 45 people had died in the clashes, during which hundreds of residents fled their homes and took refuge in the surrounding countryside.
The border region is considered a prime infiltration route for smugglers and foreign militants trying to reach central and western Iraq.
This week’s violence came amid new twists about Iraq’s draft constitution. On Tuesday, U.S. ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad raised the possibility of further changes to the draft charter finalized by the dominant Kurdish and Shiite Arab bloc but vehemently opposed by Arab Sunnis who form the core of the armed insurgency.
Sunnis had demanded revisions in the constitution, and Khalilzad’s move indicated the Bush administration has not given up its campaign to obtain some sort of Sunni endorsement for the national charter.
Khalilzad said he believed “a final, final draft has not yet been, or the edits have not been, presented yet'’ - a strong hint to Shiites and Kurds that Washington wants another bid to accommodate the Sunnis before the Oct. 15 referendum.
Shiite leaders had no comment on the ambassador’s remarks. As constitution wrangling drew to a close last week, Shiite officials complained privately that the Sunnis were stonewalling and that further negotiations were pointless.
Khaled al-Attiyah, a Shiite member of the constitution drafting committee, insisted Tuesday that “no changes are allowed'’ to the draft “except for minor edits for the language.'’
This indicated that the Shiites and Kurds would be unlikely to compromise on their core demand for Iraq to be turned into a loose federation. Sunnis fear this would eventually lead to the breakup of the nation which has been ruled as a centralized entity since it was established by British occupiers in the 1920s.
Sunni Arabs form an estimated 20 percent of the population. They could still scuttle the charter because of a rule that states that if two-thirds of the voters in any three provinces reject the draft, it would be defeated.
Even if the Sunnis lose the referendum, a bitter political battle at a time when the Sunni-led insurgency shows no sign of abating could plunge the country into a full-scale sectarian conflict.
The Shiite Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq condemned attacks by foreign fighters against “our beloved people'’ and urged the government to “stop criminals and terrorists from crossing into Iraq.'’
even though I should be sleeping…
Driving home from work, tonight, there was a mix CD in the car CD player. It was one that Jim made back in May (or, so it said on the CD). The song ‘Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head’ came on And, it wasn’t some new alternative version of it. It was the original BJ Thomas version.
What a goofnut.
I’m sure he put it on because Annie likes to sing it.
We sang it in choir, when I was a kid in elementary school. I wish I had a videotape or recording of that concert. I hope that Shelby or Annie’s choir sings something like that. I’d love to hear it in sweet innocent kid voices. I think that was the concert where we also sang ‘I’d like to teach the world to sing’. Our choir teacher must have been really trying to keep it all ‘contemporary’ for us. :rotfl:
My Secret Place - Joni Mitchell
I’m going to take you to
My special place
It’s a place that you
Like no one else I know
Might appreciate
I don’t go there with anyone-but
You’re a special case
For my special place
For my secret placePeople talk to tell you something
Or to take up space
Guess I’m only talking
To be talking to
Your pretty face
I don’t talk much to anyone-but
You’re a special case
For my special place
My secret placeI was born and raised
In New York City
I’m just getting used to Colorado-
Oh street bravado
Carry me
Why did you bring me to
A place so wild and pretty?
Are there pigeons in this park-
Muggers after dark-
In these golden trees-
In the secret place?I’m going to take you to
My special place
It’s a place no amount of hurt and anger
Can deface
I put things back together there
It all falls right in place-
In my special space
My special placeOnce I saw a film
In New York City
That was shot in Colorado-
Girl meets desperado
In the trembling mountain trees
Out of all of the girls that you see
In bleachers and cafe windows
Sitting-flirting with someone
Looking to have some fun
Why did you pick me?
For the secret place
The Cranberries
DreamsOh my life is changing everyday
in every possible way
And oh my dreams
it’s never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seemsI know I felt like this before
But now I’m feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person falling here is me
A different way to beI want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
And they’ll come true
impossible not to do
Impossible not to doAnd now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don’t hurt me
You’re what I couldn’t find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You’re everything to meOh my life is changing everyday
In every possible way
And oh my dreams
it’s never quite as it seems
‘cause you’re a dream to me
Dream to me
Do you ever wonder if, maybe, you are actually mentally challenged & all the people in your life are just humoring you?
It was 5th grade, I think. We were learning about how animals camouflage themselves. We were given pictures of animals for homework & told to draw the environment around them that would best camouflage the animal. The next day in school, the teacher put them all up on the wall & we were supposed to vote on the best ones.
Sharon was all ‘Wow! Maureen’s are the greatest, aren’t they?’ Talked me up to everyone and to me. Made me feel proud of myself. Got a lot of people to vote for me.
Then, later, laughing on the playground, talking about how funny it was that I actually thought they liked my pictures.
Sigh.
Where should you put your TV?
In a remote area.
:D
Holy crap, do they sound good! I am stunned.
My nephew’s the drummer. By day, he’s an elementary school principal.
He’s always been in one band or another, ranging from heavy metal sound to something like this.
I am impressed. I’m sorry I missed the show a couple weeks ago. I’ll have to get to the next one.
We worked at (and still do) the same company. When we first started dating, he was 3rd shif manager, I was some kind of administrative assistant. My office was the fulfillment room. He sat at the supervisor desk, which I could see from my desk. When I’d get there in the morning, he’d still have a few minutes or a few hours left to work (depending on the schedule for that day).
I loved those first few minutes or hours. I could look out & watch him working. And, sometimes we’d just look at each other & smile. Then, when he was done for the day, I’d take a break & we’d sit out at the picnic table, talking, smoking, holding hands, kissing until it was time for me to go back to work & him to go home to sleep.
:love: That was nice.
Jim just picked Shelby up from school. They did do name-writing practice again today & Shelby did great. The teacher saw Jim walking by & told him that he was so excited about writing his name that he was writing it on everything. Shelby told Jim that he just kept telling himself ‘It doesn’t have to be perfect’. And, Jim told him, ‘Right, people just have to know that it says ‘Shelby'’.
:happycry:
Jim told me that he had homework over the phone, while I was still at work. When I got home, I asked Shelby about the homework & he said ‘It’s not homework, it’s just practice’. I asked ‘Are you supposed to do it tonight at home & bring it back to show to the teacher tomorrow?’ & he said ‘Yes’. I decided not to try to convince him that it was ‘homework’. If he wants to think it’s ‘practice’, I think that’s great, actually.
The ‘practice’ made him cry, though. He was working on writing his name. The paper had a rows of lines for writing (you know hard line on top, dotted line inbetween, hard line on bottom). The teacher had written his name across the top line, had written it in ‘dots’ on the next line (for him to connect), then he was supposed to write it out on his own on the next line.
At first he refused to do it. Then, I helped him by holding his hand while he did it. But, he still refused to do it on his own. Crying. Saying that he didn’t know how & that he was going to do it wrong. We kept working on it & talking about how he didn’t have to know how, that if he already knew how, then he wouldn’t have to practice. I talked to him about all of the things that he’d learned in his life & how he had to practice all of those, too, until he got them right.
I asked him what happened when he practiced it at school & he said ‘I got mad there, too’. Poor guy.
His big hangup was the ‘S’. So, we just worked on that for a while. What got through to him best was when I would hold a pencil & he would hold a pencil & his pencil would follow mine as I wrote the ‘S’. That & reminding him that it was like drawing a circle one way, then changing your mind & deciding to go the other way. He was happy & silly about it by the time we finished.
On the way to school this morning, he said ‘I hope we don’t do name writing practice today. I think I need a break from that.’ I told him that if they did, then he should just dive in & do it. Don’t worry about whether it’s right or not. That if they already knew how to do it, the teacher wouldn’t need to teach it to them. That they’re not expected to know how to do it already. I said that if they were already expected to know how to do it, it sure would be silly for the teacher to be teaching it to them. It would be like her teaching them all how to walk or something.
Standing outside the school, after the kids went in, talking to a couple other mom’s. They said that they had tears at homework time last night, too. Wonder why that is…
Maybe, and I think this is more likely… Maybe I wasted *my* youth in a very real way. I know, now, how wonderful my life is, as it is. I know that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. And, I regret those years that I wasted without direction & meaning. Without really knowing who I am.
For the past couple days, and especially today (and, I think it’s largely due to the lack of cigarettes on his first cold-turkey day), Jim has been saying that, compared to my 20’s, he feels like he wasted his youth.
He went to college, had some fun in college, got a job related to his major, got married, had a baby, then got divorced & eventually moved away from psychology related jobs & got a random job where I worked.
I went to college, but dropped out after a year, worked at random jobs, lived in Ireland for a while & had a bit of random sex, came back & dated for a little bit before deciding not to try dating at all for a few years, continued with random jobs & one-bedroom apartments. The week before our first date, I was looking on-line for more info about sperm banks. But, I really didn’t have a clear plan about it.
When I met him, he had a really good grasp on who he was & what was important to his life. It’s remained pretty constant since I met him.
I still thought that love was a game, but that I had just decided not to play it anymore. When, in reality, I still harbored a desire to play & win, not thinking that winning didn’t always mean happiness. How many people do you know who are eternally with someone, but it’s eternally not the right person for their life? They feel like they won, because they had ’someone’, when, instead their lives would have been better with no one.
I knew, intellectually, that every person should live their life in a way that made them feel whole & happy, whether they had an SO to share it with or not. But, I most certainly didn’t have a whole life. I had a busy life, lots of hobbies, lots of trying to be a good role model for nieces & nephews, but it was not fulfilling or meaningful. I didn’t have a direction, a vision or a plan. I didn’t know what was important in my life at all. I just flitted off wherever the wind took me.
Since I’ve been with Jim, it’s all become so clear. It’s so simple. And, I may have been randomly living my life in a way that appeared to be fulfilling and meaningful, but it was just random pieces of character development thrown together without any real purpose. Now, I’ve found someone who will let me really get in tune with who I want to be. Who can get to my heart & really hear what it’s saying, then give it words so that I can hear it, too. Instead of my days just passing until they’re gone, I now feel that I can make a real impact while I’m here. If on no one else but the kids.
He’s given my life meaning, in a very real way.
And, I don’t know what that has to do with his more standard past versus my more flighty one. But, either way, I’m just so happy that those pasts led our paths to cross when they did.
I was also friends with Sharon & Margaret sometimes. I have great memories of sleeping over at Sharon’s and at her grandmother’s house. Her grandmother’s farm is now just a farmhouse surrounded by strip malls. Whenever I go past it with the kids in the car, I make sure to tell them that I used to play in that house & in that barn, when I was a kid.
I think that’s what makes the mean stuff harder on me - that it was coming from a ‘friend’.
Kids can just be cruel sometimes, I guess. I hope they all grew out of it by the time they were adults.
We saw ‘40-year old Virgin’ & ‘Broken Flowers’ on Saturday. The themes of those movies, combined with the other stuff going on in my life -and- Shelby starting school, have combined to bring up all kinds of memories from my past for the past week or so. Here’s one that I was thinking of on the way to work today…
3rd, 4th or 5th grade (???). I get a phone call from Patty S, asking me if I wanted to come to her house & play. I was not good friends with her, but she was never mean or anything, either. I had just been to her birthday party, at her house, a few weeks before that. So, it was plausible that she would call me up to come over, I guess.
I talked to my mom & somehow got a ride there. Can’t remember who drove me - Mom? Dad? An older sibling?
When I rang the doorbell, she seemed kind of confused. It was a bit awkward at first, but she was polite & we had fun playing for a while.
Monday at school, Sharon R & Margaret G asked me if I had fun with Patty. They were laughing so hard they were crying. Turns out they had made that first phone call, pretending to be Patty & inviting me over. So, they got double the fun out of that one, I guess. Got Patty & I both with that one.
Hope they’ve figured out other ways to be happy in their lives, since then. Ways that involve real good things happening to them, instead of bad things happening to others.
When I come into my office, I pass through the call floor, where CCRs are taking & making calls for our clients. There’s this one guy who is always, every day, wearing a baseball jersey. Now, I’m not normally someone to notice something like this. And, hey, I pretty much wear jeans & a t-shirt every day, so I suppose I’m just as odd, myself.
I first noticed him because I thought he looked just the tiniest bit like Jim. I’m always noticing people who look like him, because he’s adopted & we haven’t done any real searching, so it’s easy to speculate. And, I think Jim would look cute in a baseball jersey. I figured his favorite team was playing that day or something & thought that he was probably a very nice baseball-fan kind of guy.
Anyway, after walking past him for a week or so, I realized that he wears a baseball jersey every day. I’m not exaggerating. It’s every single day. I can’t be the only one who’s noticed this, because I truly am usually the last person to notice anything like that about anyone.
I’m wondering if, maybe, sometime, some girl told him he looked cute in a baseball jersey, so he’s sticking with what he knows is working for him. Or, if he just likes the look. Or, if he’s not aware at all that it’s possible that anyone would think it odd for him to wear the same thing every day. Or, if he wants people to think that he’s on a minor league team, maybe?
And, I hope that some day, some girl will love him enough to get him to change every once in a while. And, I’m also hoping that some day, some girl will love him enough to not even care that he wears the same thing every day. And that they’ll be very very happy & kind to each other.
Almost all summer long, there have been swimming suits hanging to dry in the bathroom & traces of sand on the floor throughout the house. Annie & Shelby’s swimsuits are discolored because of all of the sand that they’ve ground into them this summer.
It’s like our house is a cabin that you’d stay in on summer vacation on a beach. Messy, busy, fun, swimsuits & beach towels hanging to dry.
That’s what I want the kids to think of when they’re older & remembering their childhoods.
Allison totally rocks. When she was here over the summer, she IM’ed with her school friend. For some reason, she saved one of the IMs in a word doc on the hard drive of our living room computer.
Jim found it yesterday & showed it to me today. The friend is asking Allison how to ask a guy out & Allison gives her some very mature, non-teenager, level-headed, funny but nice advice.
Some snippets:
Allison (2:47:09 PM): “There are three things you shouldn’t talk about in polite conversation: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.”
Allison (2:14:21 PM): you could try some, “have you ever heard of…” questions, but they might get annoying if used in large doses
Friend (2:14:43 PM): yeah
Friend (2:15:01 PM): like, have you ever heard of those things that… doi stuff?
Friend (2:15:05 PM): im so screwed
Allison (2:15:19 PM): it’ll get easier if it’s really meant to be
Friend (2:15:34 PM): oh, come on
Allison (2:15:34 PM): the best boyfriends are guys you’d want to be friends with
Allison (2:15:46 PM): (not that i’d really know…)
Friend (2:16:01 PM): i sorta am freinds with him.. how do you know all this, oh great allison? not sarcastic, i swear
Allison (2:16:22 PM): i read a lot of teen magazine
Allison (2:16:33 PM): and i’ve had lotsa imaginary bfs.
How did she get so aware of both herself & the world around her?
I just had a dream about my mom.
She was still dead in the dream. We were in a house (which was sometimes Roseanne’s house, from the TV show - it wasn’t the usual house that I dream about) & she was dead, laid out on a table. It was like a funeral, but I was feeling ‘creepy’ & told the people with me about it - like she was going to talk to us. I think the body was moving or floating. The other people kind of freaked, but I said ‘No, it’s OK’ (although I was scared, too). I decided to ask her some questions, because, hey, at least it was cool that I got to talk to her again, even if it was scary.
I think I asked her if she had lived before, if their were multiple lives & she laughed and said “Yes” or something that meant ‘I guess that’s the best way to explain it that a living person would understand’.
And, I said, something like “Can you remember them all now?”.
And, she said “Yes”
So, I asked her “Well, then, I might as well ask you, which lives did you prefer? Which was better? When you were fat or when you were thin”
She laughed. Really laughed. And, answered as if she knew that I knew that the answer was obvious, but understood why I was asking it, anyway. And, I can’t remember if she answered “Fat” or “Thin”, but the answer meant “Happy”, that life was simply better when you were happy.
… I woke up all freaked out. Turned on the bedroom light. Went to check the kids. They were OK, but Shelby was sleeping with a jumprope tucked under him and, I think, into his pants. I took it away from him & it woke him a bit. He asked “Why did you do that”. I said “Because you can’t sleep with a jumprope”. He said “OK” and went back to sleep.
I went to the bathroom, then went back to bed. Freaking out, thinking, vividly about ghosts, about what it would look like if a ghost was right there in front of you. (Man, all of these childhood fears are really coming out lately, aren’t they???) Remembered someone saying about Dad, after he died (or, maybe, it was a dream that I had about him), that he would never ‘haunt’ us, because he loved us & would never do something to scare us. I’m not so sure about mom. She might just do it because it was cool & because she could. Not mean - she’d think that we’d like to have that experience, KWIM?
Anyway - I read for a while, then decided to come out here & post this. It’s making me feel better, being out here & awake (in the bright room :-p) Hope I can get back to sleep. Don’t even want to go get Annie to cuddle with, because I might want the light on for a while longer.
…. By the way, I didn’t go to sleep when I posted that last thing. I went to www.gameblast.com & saw that they had a new game - Cinema Tycoon. I downloaded it & played for way too long… Played until 1:30am (and, chatted with Jim for a while, who is at work)
Then, it must be time for bed.
Jim just called. Says Shelby’s not saying much right now. Seems a little tired.
But, he did say something like “I’ve never been to a school where we had to sit at our tables all day”. (Only other school he’s been to is the Montessori Preschool last summer -and- Tae Kwan Do classes)
I know he’ll get used to it soon enough, though.
Jim asked him if they got to go out on the playground & he said that they did.
At least he’s not crying & saying that he never wants to go back there again. That’s a good thing!
Jim just read this & previous blog. Told me he’s not feeling sad about my stories of the past - said it was nice & that he really liked it - said ‘I like hearing your stories. I hope to hear more’. Just sad about the usual, the end of summer (and Allison’s summer time with us), the bittersweet passing of time.
Joni Mitchell, as usual… The song is ‘Urge for Going’. How I feel about Allison’s having to go back to her mom’s at the end of summer…
I awoke today and found the frost perched on the town
It hovered in a frozen sky and it gobbled summer down
When the sun turns traitor cold
And all the trees are shivering in a naked row
I get the urge for going but I never seem to goI get the urge for going, when the meadow grass is turning brown
and summertime is falling down and winter’s closing inI had me a man in summertime, he had summer-colored skin
And not another girl in town my darling’s heart could win
But when the leaves fell on the ground
And bully winds came around and pushed them face down in the snow
He got the urge for going and I had to let him goHe got the urge for going when the meadow grass was turning brown
And summertime was falling down and winter was closing inNow the warriors of winter they give a cold triumphant shout
And all that stays is dying, all that lives is getting out
See the geese in chevron flight
Flappin’ and a-racin’ on before the snow
They got the urge for going and they’ve got the wings so they can goThey get the urge for going when the meadow grass is turning brown
And summertime is falling down and winter’s closing inI’ll ply the fire with kindling now, I’ll pull the blankets up to my chin
I’ll lock the vagrant winter out and I’ll bolt my wandering in
I’d like to call back summertime
And have her stay for just another month or so
But she’s got the urge for going so I guess she’ll have to goShe gets the urge for going when the meadow grass is turning brown
And all her empire’s falling down and winter’s closing in
And I get the urge for going when the meadow grass is turning brown
And summertime is falling down …
Jim woke him up & carried him out to the couch. We all cuddled for a bit, then he got up & started looking around. He said, ‘I can’t find my backpack’. I told him it was on the doorknob to the basement. He went & got it & put it on even though he was still in his pajamas. Wore it all through breakfast, which he didn’t eat much of because he said he was too excited about school.
We got dressed & Shelby said ‘Goodbye’ to Annie, Jim & Charlie. Jim said something like, “Look at our big boy all ready for school. I never would have imagined this day back when I applied for that job.” (Referring to the fact that we met at work, when I hired him to work in my department). Talking Heads said it well - “I love the passing of time”
When I went to drop him off, he was asking me if they were going to learn about science today (because the teacher had mentioned a science unit when she was talking to the parents on Wednesday). He also asked me if they were going to learn to count to 100 today (again, something his teacher had mentioned on Wednesday). I told him that they were going to learn to count to 1, today. Then, the next day, they’d count to 2. Then 3. And, add another number every school day. He laughed, “We’re going to learn to count to 1, today? That’s going to be easy!”.
I let him play on the playground for a few minutes, then the bell rang. He didn’t hear the bell because he wasn’t listening for it. All the kids went running to get in line & he was still hanging out on the playground equipment until I walked over & got him. We got in line & waited with the other kids, then I walked in with him.
The teacher was telling all the kids to find their name on a table & sit in that chair. And, she was telling all the moms & dads to leave once their child was sitting. He sat at his seat & I gave him a kiss. Then, I walked over to the teacher & gave her his snacks (Each kid was supposed to bring a box of crackers to share. We had already talked to her about his allergy & she said to bring him a box of something safe for him, labelled with his name & he would only eat from his box). I tried to get her attention & remind her of his allergy, but she didn’t seem to want to chat with any parents - was more concerned (and, rightfully so) with gaining control of the 29 kids in the room. I’ll trust Shelby to make sure he gets food that’s safe for him by reminding her that he can only have *his* snacks.
I took one more picture of him waving to me from his table, then heeded the teacher’s directions & left the room.
A bunch of us mom’s & dad’s stood on the sidewalk outside the classroom looking in. I know that I was crying. I didn’t look at the other mom’s & dad’s, because I knew that would get me started crying more.
Shelby was sitting at his table. Two other boys had sat on either side of him (Shelby was at the end of the table). I wish that I had looked at the names on the tables beside his, so that I’d know those boys names. The other boys were goofing around a bit. Shelby was just sitting there, looking around, trying to pay attention to anything the teacher said, trying to make sure he was doing what he was supposed to be doing.
I can’t wait to hear how the rest of his day went.
Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - burn with a weak heart
(So I) guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It’s ok I know nothing’s wrong . . nothing
Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you’re standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up + say goodnight . . . say goodnight
Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I’m already there
I come home - -she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can’t tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I’ll be . . . where I’ll be
Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I’m just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I’m dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh
http://swingingparty.blogsome.com/
Just gonna copy/paste the stuff from the most recent old blog 
Moving this over here from old blog. I think it was entitled ‘Stupidly Happy’.
Way long lots of stuff to say…
For the past week, I’ve had all kinds of really negative flashback emotions resurfacing due to yucky stuff going on on message boards. Stupid, right? I know
So, I’ve been staying away. Just trying to get back to feeling in control (although, the ’staying away’ itself caused all kinds of emotional turmoil, too).
Anyway, 2 nights ago, I got a phone call from my friend in Ireland. She had had a baby on 7/31 & I felt awful that I had totally forgotten that she was expecting. Hadn’t talked to her much in the past few months, obviously. Just got caught up in everything that touches me every day, let the non-urgent things slide. Great thing about Amy, though, is that I totally think she understands that, herself. I still feel like, if she & I could get 3 hours to ourselves, we’d be caught up & laughing like the old days within minutes. I’d love to have a night out with her again some time.
Then, there was the post on a message board about accepting your SO’s past (specifically the mistakes made that led to our being stepparents, now). I really have never had a problem with any of that. :shrug: I made lots of stupid mistakes when I was younger, too - Only difference is that mine didn’t create any life-long responsibilities (although, I’m sure, they’ve made big changes in who I am).
So, last night, Jim & I were *relaxing* after the kids were asleep. We had some naughty grown-up time. Then, were sitting around listening to music - somehow we got onto listening to an early REM album. It brought back a flood of really good, goofy memories for me, of my wilder years. Years when I felt confident in my sexuality. Although, I made a fool of myself again & again. But, because I was surrounded by other people who were truly interested in me (sexually & as a friend), it made it all so easy to roll with the changes. It’s just so much easier to laugh at it all, now.
I was ‘dating’ this guy, very casually. He & his friends would come down to Letterkenny from Strabane on the weekends. I worked in the bar where they always started out the weekend. We’d flirt, play, have fun. After the bars closed up, we’d all head out to a dance club. Sometimes I’d go with them, sometimes not, sometimes I’d go with someone else. Sometimes, Paddy & I would decide to just go up to my place & watch a movie
or something. Sometimes we wouldn’t even see each other until late into the night, when the dance clubs were getting ready to close up -and- if neither of us had hooked up with anyone else that night, we’d go home together. It was very, very casual.
One night, I was at a club with another group of friends & saw Paddy sitting with this one girl who also worked, very occasionally, at the bar. It was her birthday & they were all celebrating together. I mentioned it to one of my friends, a kind of ‘Hey, wonder why she wants him hanging around on her birthday - I’d never seen them together before’ thing. My friend said that they’d been dating for over a year! I had no idea. Really. I never really talked to Delores (was that her name), not about boyfriends or anything. And, apparently, Paddy made a point of making sure he wasn’t in the bar when we were both there, too. And, no one ever said anything to me about it. So, I just didn’t know. I’m laughing about it now. I pretty much did then, too. I think that I even still went out with him a couple times after that, after he officially broke it off with her.
I was and still am so naive. I remember this one time when he came into town with a cast on his arm. He played it really good. Had an elaborate story about how he broke it. Played it up with me & everyone all weekend. Saturday night, he came back home with me
Another guy played me the same, too. Let me flirt with him mercilessly, but never let me make any real moves on him. I always thought it was because his friend was ‘into’ me & he didn’t want to get in the way of that. One night, at a club, I was sitting with him & John, laughing, drinking, smoking. John told Desi that his girlfriend just walked in. I was all like ‘Desi! You have a girlfriend?’ He went over to her & talked for a while. Then, came back & was sitting with us again. I made him take me over & introduce me to her. She seemed really cold towards me. :rotfl: Of course she did! Holy shit! Apparently, they’d been dating for years. I wonder how many other women in that town hated me for my naivete & my american novelty that made the guys want to sit there & flirt with me.
Anyway - these & many more memories came pouring out to Jim last night. I was laughing at it all. Jim seemed happily bemused, too. Said I should get out all my pics from then, some time & tell him all about it. (Although, he seems a little sad, today & I hope it’s not because of that. But, the good thing about the feeling sad is that he told me about it & was actively trying to find a place to order some Celexa on-line when I woke up this morning) And, I was sitting there thinking, ‘Wow, this isn’t all stuff that I read in a book - it’s stuff that actually happened to me - me, the PTO mom that I am now. Damn, life sure has been fun! I can’t wait to see what happens in the next 50 years or so!’ I hope Jim’s with me for the rest of it. I sure am happy that he’s here, living this life with me now.
For some reason, these lyrics are sitting in my head right now:
I remember that time you told me, you said,
“Love is touching souls”
Surely you touched mine
‘Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time(Joni Mitchell, of course)
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And, another…
Songs & Lyrics that I just looked at
I realized that I had to move this blog, because I didn’t want my stepdaughter to google our ‘usual’ screenname & find this stuff. Not that I wouldn’t tell her any of this, in a more age-appropriate manner, if she asked me about it…
Anyway - I had to come up with a new username for the blog, so I went bouncing around looking at different lyrics that I liked, trying to find something. This one (swingingparty) works, anyway. Not exactly what I was looking for, but it does the job.
If bein’ wrong’s a crime, I’m serving forever
If bein’ strong’s your kind, then I need help here with this feather
If bein’ afraid is a crime, we hang side by side
At the swingin’ party down the line
At the swingin’ party down the lineAlso thought about something from these Rod Stewart lyrics, but there’s not really a username there:
I firmly believe that I didn’t need anyone but me
I sincerely thought I was so complete
Look how wrong you can beHave this XTC one up, too… ‘Frivolous Tonight’ might have made a good blogname
Let us talk about some trivial things we like
A bit of this and that
Let’s chew the fatPour ourselves a glass of stout
And let our Rael Brook shirts hang out
Nothing makes us more content
To let us wallow in a bit of nonsenseWe’re all so frivolous tonight, tonight
Let’s reveal our childlike nature
And leave our stocks and invoices to rot
Let’s go to potTell our jokes about mothers in law
But watch him jump when she comes through the door
O the party goes with a swing
When we talk about the trivial thingsWe’re all so frivolous tonight
But there’s always one
Who wants to talk shop
We’ll drive him through the door
With a broom or a mopLet us tell our favourite story
About some poor chap who put it on display
Hip hooray
And let the girls gather in their slacks
To talk about husbands hairy backsSome might think we’re a bit of a shower
But this could be our finest hourWe’re all so frivolous tonight, tonight
We’re all so ridiculous tonightAnd, there were a couple of Joni Mitchell ones… ‘Woman of Heart and Mind’ would have been a good name, but the lyrics don’t really work for me anymore. And, there was ‘Just Like this Train’ or ‘Strong Cat Without Claws’, but I decided against those, too (even though I am dreaming of the pleasure I’m gonna have, watching your hairline recede…)
I’m always running behind the time
Just like this train
Shaking into town
With the brakes complainingI used to count lovers like railroad cars
I counted them on my side
Lately I don’t count on nothing
I just let things slideThe station master’s shuffling cards
Boxcars are banging in the yards
Jealous Iovin’Il make you crazy
If you can’t find your goodness
‘Cause you lost your heartI went looking for a cause
Or a strong cat without claws
Or any reason to resume
And I found this empty seat
In this crowded waiting room
(Everybody waiting)
Old man sleeping on his bags
Women with that teased up kind of hair
Kids with the jitters in their legs
And those wide, wide open stares
And the kids got cokes and chocolate bars
There’s a thin man smoking a fat cigar
Jealous lovin’lI make you crazy
If you can’t find your goodness
‘Cause you’ve lost your heartWhat are you going to do now
You’ve got no one
To give your love too…Well I’ve got this berth and this roll down blind
I’ve got this fold up sink
And these rocks and these cactus going by
And a bottle of German wine to drink
Settle down into the clickety cIack
With the clouds and the stars to read
Dreaming of the pleasure I’m going to have
Watching your hairline recede
(My vain darling)
Watching your hair and clouds and stars
I’m rocking away in a sleeping car
This jealous lovin’s bound to make me
Crazy
I can’t find my goodness
I lost my heart
Oh sour grapes
Because I lost my heart
