I love the passing of time

For the past couple days, and especially today (and, I think it’s largely due to the lack of cigarettes on his first cold-turkey day), Jim has been saying that, compared to my 20’s, he feels like he wasted his youth.

He went to college, had some fun in college, got a job related to his major, got married, had a baby, then got divorced & eventually moved away from psychology related jobs & got a random job where I worked.

I went to college, but dropped out after a year, worked at random jobs, lived in Ireland for a while & had a bit of random sex, came back & dated for a little bit before deciding not to try dating at all for a few years, continued with random jobs & one-bedroom apartments. The week before our first date, I was looking on-line for more info about sperm banks. But, I really didn’t have a clear plan about it.

When I met him, he had a really good grasp on who he was & what was important to his life. It’s remained pretty constant since I met him.

I still thought that love was a game, but that I had just decided not to play it anymore. When, in reality, I still harbored a desire to play & win, not thinking that winning didn’t always mean happiness. How many people do you know who are eternally with someone, but it’s eternally not the right person for their life? They feel like they won, because they had ’someone’, when, instead their lives would have been better with no one.

I knew, intellectually, that every person should live their life in a way that made them feel whole & happy, whether they had an SO to share it with or not. But, I most certainly didn’t have a whole life. I had a busy life, lots of hobbies, lots of trying to be a good role model for nieces & nephews, but it was not fulfilling or meaningful. I didn’t have a direction, a vision or a plan. I didn’t know what was important in my life at all. I just flitted off wherever the wind took me.

Since I’ve been with Jim, it’s all become so clear. It’s so simple. And, I may have been randomly living my life in a way that appeared to be fulfilling and meaningful, but it was just random pieces of character development thrown together without any real purpose. Now, I’ve found someone who will let me really get in tune with who I want to be. Who can get to my heart & really hear what it’s saying, then give it words so that I can hear it, too. Instead of my days just passing until they’re gone, I now feel that I can make a real impact while I’m here. If on no one else but the kids.

He’s given my life meaning, in a very real way.

And, I don’t know what that has to do with his more standard past versus my more flighty one. But, either way, I’m just so happy that those pasts led our paths to cross when they did.