Just a vent
about a message board & some threads I just read. Not even going to go into detail, just going to say that it’s pissing me off - they are talking to a grown woman in what seems to be a really good relationship as if she were a 13 yo child without a brain in her head.
Just because *their* husbands don’t talk to them as equals, just because *they* were idiots at her age, just because *they* can’t imagine having a growing open honest relationship, they assume they know her life & her mind better than she does.
Oddly enough, they are accusing her husband of taking advantage of her, of making her do things that she doesn’t believe are right for her, of manipulating her…. But, they, themselves are doing the very same thing, right there in the fucking thread. Calling her childish & immature, telling her that she’s acting like other people we know - drama queens, etc, telling her that they know *her life* better than her, because they are older & wiser & have more ‘life experience’.
Good for her, she’s holding her ground. They don’t want to listen to her talk about the conversations she has with her husband - not really listen. They hear her saying it, but somehow project their own ‘conversations’ with their husbands into the telling & come up believing that it’s more of a lecture, or a mind game or an argument, than what it really is (or how it sounds to me, anyway) - a two-way discussion between two people who respect each other and are exploring and learning about life as they journey through it together.
At least, that’s the way I see it. I’m probably projecting my own relationship & discussions with my husband onto my view of her life. 
Not sure what this is about but I can imagine…that kind of thing pisses me off too.
Comment by Robin — November 18, 2005 @ 2:40 pm
I know *exactly* what this is about…ahem…LOL…
and THANK YOU. Thank you thank you thank you!
You, hon, you can project your marriage onto how you see mine anytime
Comment by Ripley — November 18, 2005 @ 11:35 pm
I worry about “her” and I think that - despite their approach, most of those women do, too. But since all I know of her situation is what I’ve read very lately, I *know* I don’t know enough to judge. So I simply wish her the best of luck. And I believe whether it works out or not, she will come out of the experience a wiser woman! (((hug)))
Comment by Woody — November 19, 2005 @ 3:49 pm
I worry about her, too, Woody. But, I truly believe that she’s conciously living her own life & resilient enough to learn from her own mistakes.
I liked your reply to her in one of the threads! ((hug))
Comment by naivemelody — November 19, 2005 @ 4:30 pm
I know what you’re talking about and I wish you’d bring that point up there because I think it’s worth making… I think that some people really are making that mistake, and it’s a serious one. Maybe you think I did too. I hope not. But I also think that it’s almost unanimously coming from a position of love and care, which is a rare thing. This is a woman in a very strong relationship, as you said, who is not backing down from what she believes (which is another sign of strength), and she is being taken very seriously because of it. Even by the people who think she’s wrong and too young to be so serious. And I think it’s precisely because she’s being taken this seriously that people are judging so harshly. I hope everything works out with all my heart. I don’t think she’s in any way deserving of being treated like a baby. And I hope I didn’t fall into that mistake. But I’d never be able to forgive myself if didn’t point out what I saw as a real danger to anyone, whether they chose to ignore me or not.
I’m glad I stumbled on this post. But I wish I didn’t have to stumble on it.
hugs.
Comment by Michelle — November 22, 2005 @ 6:36 pm
Thing is, she never said they were going to do it.
She said they were talking about it, exploring it, learning about it.
And, I really don’t see any controlling or manipulating in their relationship. Perhaps I’m just not reading it right, but I’m thinking that people are jumping to conclusions based on their own stereotypes about how a relationship would be between an older divorced man and a young woman who used to have a controlling father. They aren’t talking about ‘Ripley’ & ‘Ender’ - they are talking about some characters in a Lifetime movie that they saw once. The characters have the same descriptions, but the stories go in completely different directions.
She’s holding her own pretty well & no one’s really listening to her saying the same things that I’m saying here. So, I don’t really feel the need to get embroiled in it myself over there.
Quite honestly, although she is young, I think that Ripley is 10 times more self-aware & open to exploring the possibilities in life, honestly evaluating them & taking only what fits for her, than I ever was at her age. She is truly actively living her life, not just going along for the ride. If you read the actual words she’s saying about her introspection and about the honest, emotional discussions that she & her husband have, I can’t see how anyone would think otherwise.
She is not entrenched in a combative relationship with her husband, trying to demand respect from ‘a man’. She & her husband are working together to build a relationship, with loving respect for each other’s intelligence, history & emotional existence.
That’s how I read it, anyway.
Comment by naivemelody — November 22, 2005 @ 7:00 pm