Why we don’t fight
Jim & I don’t fight. When I tell people about it, I’m afraid that I come off sounding superior or condescending or like I’m bragging in some way. I don’t really feel that way. I know that I’m lucky that we found each other. I know that I could just as easily have ended up in a relationship where there was more fighting, but I don’t think I would have stayed very long.
And, sometimes when I say ‘we don’t fight’, I feel like I need to follow it up with some kind of advice to the person/couple who are fighting, since I seem to be saying that we’ve got it all figured out. The thing is that I think it’s more about who we are as people than about what we ‘do’. I don’t know if it’s anything that I could ‘advise’ to others, because, well, they are who they are (and that’s not a bad thing - it’s just different than who I am).
Jim & I were talking about this last night & trying to come up with the reasons why we don’t fight. Here are a few of them.
We are both very empathetic people.
We are both very open-minded.
Neither of us really believes that fighting is a way to solve a conflict or a difference between people.
Neither of us believes that the other is selfish or insensitive.
We both have similar feelings about how we want to parent the kids, about the life & lessons that we want to provide them with in their childhood.
We both can see our own faults when we see the faults of others, which helps us to be more forgiving of other’s mistakes.
If he does something insensitive, I’m more likely to think ‘Whoa, that’s not like him at all. I know that he didn’t mean that. I wonder what’s worrying him that made him so distracted that he didn’t notice that insensitive thing that he did.’ Then, I try to fix whatever’s worrying hime. He does the same for me.
We both want the other to be happy, because we love each other & you want to make life better for the people that you love. I know that that sounds like we’re walking around doing for each other all day, sublimating our selves, but that’s not the case, really.
For example - I make Jim a lunch to bring to work every night. Some days I’ll put some extra effort into making it really nice. Some days I’ll just throw something together. Some days I get busy & forget altogether. And, he doesn’t get mad about it. He just appreciates that I do it for him. And, I like being able to do it for him.
Or… If I’m listening to a ‘This American Life’ in the car CD player & Jim is the next to drive, he will check where I left off on the CD, before he puts in whatever CD he wants to listen to. Then, when he gets out of the car & knows I’m going to be driving next, he will put my CD back in and queue it up to where I left off, so that I don’t have to do that myself.
It’s just being considerate of each other. Trying to help. Trying to let the other know that we appreciate them. -And- appreciating how lucky we are to have such a kind person in our lives.
I’m remembering a time when Jim & I were folding laundry together. Brandy (teen niece who lived with us) was watching. Jim & I fold differently. Brandy asked if we don’t get mad that the other one doesn’t fold clothes the way that we do. She’s seen enough TV couples fight about things like that. She’s seen her own grandparents and parents fight with their spouses & SO’s about things like that. Jim said, “No. When I open my drawer and see a shirt folded differently than I would have folded it, I don’t get mad about it. I think ‘How nice that someone folded my shirt for me.’”
I don’t *always* feel that right away. I do get annoyed at little things sometimes. I think that Jim does, too. But, it is so easy to defuse it when I remember the shared love that is part of our every day and when I stop to think of the person that Jim is, remember that he is a whole person with emotional and physical needs of his own, to think of things from his point of view and know that there are only good intentions here.
Maybe it’s the faith that we have in each other’s love and in each other’s character that makes it easy. Hmmm… I don’t know what it is. But, I do know that I wish that everyone had it as easy as we do.
