I love the passing of time

I wonder if I’ll ever work this all out to the point where I don’t feel like I’m leaving something unsaid, or where I feel like *I* truly understand what I’m trying to say

I was thinking about ‘What is a woman’. I really do think that there’s something powerful about being a woman. But, that totally contradicts everything I believe about gender stereotypes. Maybe I need a different word than ‘woman’ to name the type of person who is powerful, compassionate, complete, nurturing, spiritual, balanced, etc. Because, certainly, all women are not like that. And, some men are like that.

And, I was thinking that *all* women have a choice which societal gender stereotype they are going to try to emulate in their own lives. Some women choose to strive to be the woman that I described above - strong, using their power to do good in the world, to bring balance & joy where they can - to be proud of being a woman, knowing all that we can do. (of course, some men do that, too… and, the ability to do these things is not truly a gender issue as it is a societal issue - women are ‘allowed’ to feel, think, dream - men are looked down on when they do these things)

Some women, on the other hand, choose to capitalize on the fact that society expects women to be helpless. Thinking of my husband’s ex-wife as the example here… First, she told him that she couldn’t work, because she was a girl - expected him to go out & get enough jobs to support them, while she stayed home because that’s what women & men are supposed to do. *Then* she got bored with him gone working all the time & claimed his long work hours were leaving her feeling neglected in a ‘We never do anything fun anymore’ kind of way. “Take care of me, I’m helpless” “Play with me, I’m helpless” Bleah! And, now, she’s a helpless victim of his manly power because she chose not to honor her commitment to the parenting agreement.

I don’t know. How can anyone make sweeping comments about ‘women are the peacemakers, the nurturers, the backbone of the world’, when there are women who quite clearly aren’t?

Allison’s the 3rd Soloist

I need your help!

Jim & I decided to go ahead & see what we could do with a Fireworks Locator website.

It is *VERY* rudimentary right now, but I want to populate the database with as many events as possible.

If you know when your town, or the neighboring towns, are having fireworks this year, can you go to http://www.fireworksevents.com/events.php , fill out the form & submit the info?

If you want to see how it works (and, as of right this minute, there is only test data in our area in the database), you can go to http://www.fireworksevents.com/index1.php to do a search.

After we get everything looking pretty, I’m going to start e-mailing chambers of commerce to get them to add their event to our table. We’re going to add google adsense to the search page, to help us pay for the hosting. And, then, I don’t know how we’re going to advertise the site so that people find it & use it… Maybe I’ll make a few press releases

Last night, I got dinner started late, so we finished late & I was rushing to get everything picked up, everyone cleaned & dressed, to get Annie to her Kid Rock class on time.

Looking back on it now, I see many things that I could have done differently to avoid all of this and everything that happened next, but I guess I’ll just have to use this as a learning experience for the future. I could have had Allison help me with the kids. I could have stopped looking at my freaking message boards & got dinner in earlier, started picking up earlier. I could have just relaxed & realized that it didn’t really matter if she was a few minutes late for her running around with objects class.

Anyway, sometime during dinner, Shelby had asked me for some juice. I said “In a minute”, then forgot about it. After dinner, after I asked him to wash his hands & go potty, he came into the kitchen & said that I had forgotten to get him some juice & would I get it now. I said “Sorry about that, but we’re late and…” He interrupted with a big tantrum cry, the kind I hadn’t heard from him in ages - sounded like he was mortally wounded.

Once I got his attention, I said “I was going to say - Go wash your hands & go potty, I’ll get it while you’re there” I really was going to say that & was feeling pretty shocked at his outburst, and feeling like he was accusing me of a great crime that I hadn’t committed (what’s the word for that?).

He went in the bathroom & I poured his juice. I put the juice in the living room on my way to the bathroom to get a brush for Annie’s hair. Shelby was still in there & I was still feeling mad at him for that outburst. I felt that he should apologize to me for that. Everyone makes mistakes & forgets things sometimes -and- getting him juice was a favor to him, not an obligation.

I said the wrong words, though. I said that he acted like a baby when he cried out like that. We don’t use name-calling in our house. That is considered to be as inappropriate a method of communication and problem solving as hitting is. Even when I was saying it, I realized that it was wrong.

His eyes filled with tears. He balled up his fists. Then, he swung his tiny fist at my thigh, hitting me.

I thought he was still mad about the juice, though. I asked him if he would like it if I hit him when I felt angry. I told him to go sit on the couch and not move.

He did. I brushed Annie’s hair & checked her clothes.

I went past him, into the kitchen, but was lecturing about hitting on the way.

When I was in the kitchen, he said “You were mean to me”. I said “That’s not an excuse for hitting, and, anyway, how was I mean to you?”. He said “You said a mean word, you said I was a baby”.

I stopped.

I realized that he was right.

I went to him and apologized for that. I was still angry about the juice tantrum & told him that I was still angry about that, but that he was right, I should not have said that. That was not a good way to communicate how I was feeling. I told him that hitting was still not a good way to communicate with me how he felt about that, either.

I asked him for a hug. He let me have one.

We both nursed our grudges for a bit, but were happy again by the time we got to Kid Rock.

I’m still sorry that I did that, though.

Hope I do better next time.

Or, I might get all angry & not be able to sleep…

1) The one where someone is implying that parents who don’t think it’s OK for the bus driver (or anyone) to spank their kids are whiny losers with ill-behaved children & that the lack of spanking is the root of all of the problems with society today.

That’s all

I had a dream last night where I was in a department store, walking past the women’s clothing section. Saw someone paying for a cute skirt & heard the price. It was amazingly low - something like $3.99. I went to the rack to see if they had it in my size. They did. Allison was there, then & was encouraging me to buy it. I said that I didn’t think that I would - I would never wear girly clothes like that & didn’t have anything to wear with it, anyway. Suddenly, we were in my bedroom, looking in a drawer in a dresser. Allison was pulling out pretty, girly, hippy-looking shirts that I had there, saying “You haven’t worn this in a long time” & “This would look great with that skirt”.

Maybe the dream Allison is right. Maybe I should start bringing out a more feminine, girly look, instead of my usual t-shirt, jeans & tennis shoes. Hmmm…

Last night, Annie asked Allison to play Cootie with her.

They played while I was finishing up getting dinner ready (Jim had started it).

I think they started out playing regular, but, after a while it turned into the kind of game that Annie likes, where the bugs were friends & playing with each other.

I love watching Allison play with the kids like that.

And, as usual, I feel sad that this girl who brings so much joy and happiness to this family, and who gets happiness from us as well (I hope), has that little (big?) broken piece inside of her that we are, inadvertently, responsible for.

Last night, Allison was sitting on the couch, looking at Lafcadio. She said to me, “You know, when I’m older and reading this to my kids, they are actually going to have an Uncle Shelby”.

She just said it again, to Jim.

Glad we could give her that. Glad she thinks that’s cool too (we had already thought of it & talked about it to each other, but never said it to her).

at the end of the day, then I feel like I’ve done a great job as a mom that day.

I feel like I’ve given them a full day of stimulating childhood memories and experiences.

Friday evening… Hmm, I don’t remember
Saturday morning - Soccer mom
Saturday afternoon - Garage Sales with the kids
Saturday evening - Painted our garage door with the kids

Sunday morning - Ice Age 2 (because the free movie, Curious George, was sold out)
Sunday afternoon - Parade at my brother’s house
Sunday evening - Beef stew for dinner, 2nd coat of paint