Bad Mommy Moment
Last night, I got dinner started late, so we finished late & I was rushing to get everything picked up, everyone cleaned & dressed, to get Annie to her Kid Rock class on time.
Looking back on it now, I see many things that I could have done differently to avoid all of this and everything that happened next, but I guess I’ll just have to use this as a learning experience for the future. I could have had Allison help me with the kids. I could have stopped looking at my freaking message boards & got dinner in earlier, started picking up earlier. I could have just relaxed & realized that it didn’t really matter if she was a few minutes late for her running around with objects class.
Anyway, sometime during dinner, Shelby had asked me for some juice. I said “In a minute”, then forgot about it. After dinner, after I asked him to wash his hands & go potty, he came into the kitchen & said that I had forgotten to get him some juice & would I get it now. I said “Sorry about that, but we’re late and…” He interrupted with a big tantrum cry, the kind I hadn’t heard from him in ages - sounded like he was mortally wounded.
Once I got his attention, I said “I was going to say - Go wash your hands & go potty, I’ll get it while you’re there” I really was going to say that & was feeling pretty shocked at his outburst, and feeling like he was accusing me of a great crime that I hadn’t committed (what’s the word for that?).
He went in the bathroom & I poured his juice. I put the juice in the living room on my way to the bathroom to get a brush for Annie’s hair. Shelby was still in there & I was still feeling mad at him for that outburst. I felt that he should apologize to me for that. Everyone makes mistakes & forgets things sometimes -and- getting him juice was a favor to him, not an obligation.
I said the wrong words, though. I said that he acted like a baby when he cried out like that. We don’t use name-calling in our house. That is considered to be as inappropriate a method of communication and problem solving as hitting is. Even when I was saying it, I realized that it was wrong.
His eyes filled with tears. He balled up his fists. Then, he swung his tiny fist at my thigh, hitting me.
I thought he was still mad about the juice, though. I asked him if he would like it if I hit him when I felt angry. I told him to go sit on the couch and not move.
He did. I brushed Annie’s hair & checked her clothes.
I went past him, into the kitchen, but was lecturing about hitting on the way.
When I was in the kitchen, he said “You were mean to me”. I said “That’s not an excuse for hitting, and, anyway, how was I mean to you?”. He said “You said a mean word, you said I was a baby”.
I stopped.
I realized that he was right.
I went to him and apologized for that. I was still angry about the juice tantrum & told him that I was still angry about that, but that he was right, I should not have said that. That was not a good way to communicate how I was feeling. I told him that hitting was still not a good way to communicate with me how he felt about that, either.
I asked him for a hug. He let me have one.
We both nursed our grudges for a bit, but were happy again by the time we got to Kid Rock.
I’m still sorry that I did that, though.
Hope I do better next time.
Bad Mommy! Are you kidding….please reread all your posts below and see how much you do for all your children…ALL of them. You put some of us mommys to shame.
How are things? Bad mommy..I laughed at loud on that one! You should be tarred and feathered!
I also read your other post…I too have a hard time not reading those posts..specially on the reform boards…I’m addicted. I haven’t posted about our situation in a while, but when you have a sec, I’d be more than to see what you think about the new stuff.
How’s Allison?
Comment by Becky — May 18, 2006 @ 8:34 pm
I still haven’t gone to look today. I don’t always feel like I have that much to contribute at custodyreform, but I do love the support that I got when I was there. I just hate arguing, in general. And, I hate people who make generalizations - i.e. parents who don’t spank have ill-behaved children. It’s so hard to have a discussion with people who think so unilaterally.
Funny - he(?) was all “this is the way they did it in the past & ever since people stopped doing it that way, society has gone downhill”. Well, you know what else they used to have in the past that seemed to work just fine for them? It was the ‘tender years doctrine’ & the assumption that mothers should automatically get full custody. Should we stick with that, too???
Aaarggh! This is one of my hot buttons. I should learn to just avoid these kind of futile situations
Allison’s doing great. We were at soccer practice today & a couple of kids from her school, here, came by & talked to her for a while. It was nice to see. Counseling again in 2 weeks. Hope she can start to deal with this, so that she can move forward in her life in an honest fashion.
When she was across the park talking to those kids, one of the soccer moms was asking me how she was doing & I had time to give her a little more info about the whole story. When I told her how SD’s mom had shut her out completely, in order to, apparently, avoid having contact with DH, the other mom said “Well, she’s better off with you, anyway, then”. It’s so hard to explain to people that I really think she would be *better off* with both of her parents working actively and positively in her life. So many people still believe that it’s about winning & losing a battle, not about raising a kid.
I would love to hear more from you, Becky. How’s your SS doing? E-mail me if you want to keep it off the internet. My heart aches for him.
Comment by naivemelody — May 19, 2006 @ 3:28 am