I love the passing of time

Yesterday afternoon, after grocery store (see post re: ravioli) & picking up our frogs from my sister’s house, we went out to the pet store & got Shelby the Hermit Crab he’s been wanting to buy (he’s paying for the crab, I said I’d pay for the house, food, bowls, etc). We also got Annie her hamsters (she got one - ‘I’ got one to be it’s friend & for the whole family to enjoy). And, we priced turtles for Allison, did a little research, but we’ll have to put that purchase off for a little bit - $50 for turtle, $60 for aquarium - seemed a little too much at the time, anyway, but I’m sure we’ll get one eventually.

One of the hamsters was chewing his way out of his box before we even left the store. They taped that end of the box, but on the drive home, he started chewing his way out of the other. We put him (box, bag & all) into Shelby’s critter keeper (where his hermit crab was going to live) & finished the ride home. By the time we got home, Hamtaro was listless. He’d get bursts of energy when he was being held (and bolt out of the holder’s hands), but was mostly still. He didn’t eat anything, either. By bedtime, he had passed away.

The other hamster did fine - from boxing until now. He’s doing great.

So, today, Jim took the kids to the pet store to get a replacement hamster. He says that the replacement one is doing great (despite attempting to escape from his box on the ride home, too).

I just think that Hamtaro didn’t have what it took to handle the move from pet store to our home.

Poor guy

Don’t even know where to begin with summing up the past 2 weeks.

We don’t have all of the pictures uploaded, yet. Just this morning I took the ones off of our camera & put them to Fotki, but I haven’t even really had a chance to look through them myself (and my work monitor sucks, anyway). Allison hasn’t uploaded the pics off of her camera, yet (and, I know we all have some pics & videos on our phones). Just going to pick a couple quickly & post them here now (I am at work & should be working on the project that I was hoping someone would do while I was on vacation, so that I wouldn’t have to do it when I came back, but, alas , no one did). The rest are at http://public.fotki.com/gazoogle/2006_july/2006-07-31/ , if you feel like looking at 179 unsorted, untouched photos

Our campsite was inches away from a campground playground. The kids hit the swings right when we got there.

We toured a lighthouse on the 2nd day. Shelby was afraid to go to the top of it (and it wasn’t a very high lighthouse at all - about 3 stories). I think the fact that you had to go up a cast iron spiral staircase with open steps added to his fear. (Mine too, a bit).

Went on from the lighthouse into the State Park - beautiful view.

I believe there’s a matching photo like this on Al’s camera

Sideways pic of Annie & Allison on their way down from the ‘Eagle Tower’. It was too tall for Shelby or I to overcome our fears & go up - but, everyone else did.

Eagle Tower (Allison & Annie are up there somewhere)

Allison took this from the top of Eagle Tower - That’s Shelby & I in the parking lot.

Then we went on a two mile hike of Eagle Trail. The trail was marked as ‘Difficult’, but Annie did great - walked almost all of it without asking to be carried or for breaks!

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Cherry Harvest Festival on Saturday. U-Pick Cherries, face-painting, Cherry Queen. Jim entered the (no hands allowed) Cherry Pie eating contest (came in 4th of 4, but still did great!). Annie entered the Cherry Pit Spitting Contest & did as well as could be expected for a 4-yo who doesn’t usually spit her food (well, not for a year or so, anyway).

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Sunday or Monday, we took the Ferry out to Washington Island. Rented bikes & rode around, stopping at the Ostrich/Exotic Animal Farm & SchoolHouse Beach.

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Jellystone campground was great! Clean bathrooms & showers. Movies every night (except Saturday - when there was a DJ-driven dance). Very helpful staff. Clear, cool pool. Annie & Shelby loved mini-golf (Everyone else just kind of survived mini-golf, for their benefit). I enjoyed experimenting with cooking in Poppy (our camper) & on the fire. Not a lot of successes - but, definitely a lot of learning experiences (and enough food to keep us all alive )

Pics with Yogi!

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Thursday morning, we decided to close up the camper & splurge on a waterpark hotel in Lake Geneva, since we were going to Hedgpeth in Twin Lakes, WI on Friday evening.

Pics from Hedgpeth!

They Might Be Giants were good - fun show - you could tell that, despite the heat, they were still really making an effort to be 100% in the show for us.

Flaming Lips were AWESOME! Unbelievable! Joyous! It was, truly, an EPIC EXPERIENCE!
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Drive home on Saturday highlighted by missed turns, re-routed traffic in Algonquin, Overheating near Bartlett, being 5 minutes late to pick up the dogs from boarding & dead bird in living room when we got home. But, still…

Wherever we wander, wherever we roam - be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home

Last night, I made ravioli from scratch. Well, actually, it was yesterday afternoon, well into late evening.

They turned out OK, but I think that I’ve learned a lot from that first experience and, with a pasta rolling machine, they could be much better the next time I make them.

Shelby’s allergy has made me more adventurous & creative in the kitchen. I like that. If there’s a food that we can’t find for him, commercially, we’ll try to make it from scratch at home, so that he’s not missing out on the basic joys & experiences in life. And, theoretically, I could make the home-made food much more healthful for us, if I wanted to. Usually, though, I try to make it just as salty & fatty & sweet & unhealthy as the store-bought brands

Annie doesn’t really get the concept of ‘imaginary friends’.

She has them, but they are always on playdates with ‘my’ imaginary friends, which involves me playing with Annie, too. She’ll organize an ‘Imaginary Friend Party’ & invite me to help her plan it, and, then bring my imaginary friends to it, where we’ll play the games, eat the snacks, watch the movies, etc. She never just plays alone with her imaginary friends. They are more like an invisible toy or doll that she wants you to play with her.

I think that Allison thinks that Shelby is somehow oppressing Annie.

As we were getting ready to go to the pool, tonight, Shelby & Annie were having an argument/discussion about something. It was about a game - at the time, I wasn’t sure if it was about the new gameboy games, or about some other game that they had made up. Sounded like Shelby was trying to persuade Annie to do something his way. Annie was whining her replies.

Allison said something to Shelby like “Don’t do that to her”. Or, maybe she said something to me like “He’s doing it to her again”. Or, maybe it was even “They’re at it again”. I asked what it was & she said just that they were fighting about something & she didn’t want to hear them fighting any more today.

On the way to the car, I tried to talk to them about it. Didn’t get much out of them, but you could tell there was a conversation that Shelby wanted to continue with Annie, but didn’t want me telling him what to say (or, maybe, knew that he was not being fair, but knew that he could manipulate Annie). Thing is, just as much as he’s ‘manipulating’ her - she’s doing the same right back at him, he just doesn’t realize it (and I don’t know that I like Annie to be learning how to play someone’s emotions for fun - getting them to ‘beg’ for something that she’s just as willing to give them).

As I’m looking for the pool passes (in the car, then in the van), Allison gets out of the car, leaving the kids in it. I ask her what’s up & she says something like “He’s at it again”.

I get my driver’s license from the house, get back in the car, find the passes :doh & start talking I ask Shelby what’s up. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it. I tell him we’re not going into the pool (which closes in 45 minutes), until I find out what’s going on. Allison says something like, “It just bothers me, I guess. I suppose I should just let them work it out on their own, but she’s better than that. She shouldn’t put up with it”. I say, “So, tell them that. Tell them what you’re thinking.” She turns to Annie & says “You’re better than that, okay!”.

Of course, Annie doesn’t really know what that means.

On the way there, I talk to Shelby & Annie until I find out what the discussion was about. Annie made up a game - Shelby wanted her to play it ‘his way’. Just nonsense stuff, really. It’s a nice safe way for them to figure out how to negotiate with other people.

Sure, Annie needs to learn how to assert herself, if it’s important. But, she also needs to learn how to let it go when it isn’t. And, Shelby needs to learn how to do things other people’s way, sometimes, too.

As we pulled in, Allison still seemed annoyed. I told her that she has a right to teach them stuff, too, that she should tell them what she thinks. She said “I guess, but they don’t listen to me”.

I said, “They don’t listen to me, either. Not all the time, anyway. Neither do you. Or, you don’t seem to all of the time, anyway. But, I think that some of what I have said has made sense to you & you have decided to use it. Same will happen with them.”

“In fact, it’s a good thing for them to hear as many different ideas about life as possible, so that they can decide how they want to live. We have to encourage them to *think about* all of the ideas & form their own opinions about what’s good for them & for the world. ”

I talked to them all the way into the pool, touching on the fact that Shelby can’t make ultimatums to Annie - “If you don’t do this, then I won’t give you or play with you”. At the same time, I admitted that he probably learned that from me, because I do seem to make those kind of statements to them sometimes, too. Allison said, “Yeah, but you’re allowed to do that - you’re supposed to do that - you’re the parent”. I said, “No, I don’t have the right to do that anymore than anyone else in the house. We are all expected to behave the same”.

Then I gave it a break until bath-time, when I talked to the little ones again, (which is the best way to approach morality-type lessons with Shelby, when he’s a step away from it & not feeling so ‘attacked’). And, I tried to make sure that Allison would hear a bit of me talking to them, on their level, about the lessons I wanted them to learn in this- give and take, honesty, fairness.

I made sure that Shelby understood that I tried to make my ‘If you don’t , then we can’t ‘ statements fair and *real*. For example, “if you don’t help me by getting dressed yourself, we won’t be able to go to the pool because it will be closed if I have to take the time to help you do this thing that you can do yourself”. Or, “If you don’t help me pick up the toys, then I will put them away somewhere & not let you play with them, because the other people in the house don’t like seeing your mess -and- I don’t like having to pick it up. So, if you can’t play with them politely, as a member of this family, then you can’t have them”.

I repeated the point a few times for them that they shouldn’t do things because others tell them to do it - they should do things because they know that it’s the right thing to do, and because they want to do them. Of course, sometimes, you do things that you might not *want to* do, but know that they are right or that they are polite or kind. That’s OK, too. But, don’t be doing yucky things that you don’t want to do just because you’re afraid someone’s going to be mean to you if you don’t.

And, it all got me to thinking about that song that she likes, but doesn’t ever really talk about ‘what it means’. Passive Manipulation by the White Stripes - ironically, I think, written by Jack White for Meg to sing…

Women, listen to your mothers
Don’t just succumb to the wishes of your brothers
Take a step back, take a look at one another
You need to know the difference…
Between a father and a lover (repeat)

I think that I might have a few things to teach her, in the next few years. Stuff that I don’t know if I really learned until much later in my life. Stuff that I don’t think her mom’s quite got, yet. Hope she listens to me

1) Just because a boy and a girl have a discussion & come to an agreement that favors the boy’s side of things doesn’t mean that the girl is being oppressed or is succumbing to a man’s wishes. It might just mean that the boy was more ‘right’ this time & the girl recognized it. Or, that they came to an agreement to try it his way this time. It doesn’t have to be about ‘men’ and ‘women’ when men & women interact. It can just be two people.

2) Men can be *more* than just father or lover. They can be so much more. Just like women can be more than mother or lover. We’re all just people. Men just as much as women.

Brandy came over on Friday evening. I was just finishing up sewing the binding on a blanket. Apparently the phone rang (sewing machine was too loud for me to hear it) & Allison brought it to me. It was Brandy (niece who lived with Jim & I for 6th, 7th & 8th grades). Her father swooped back into town at the end of 8th grade, hooked back up with an old girlfriend & decided he was ready to be a dad.

Anyway, anyone who knows about our ordeal with that child will appreciate how agitated I felt when I realized who it was on the phone. I am an extremely optimistic & positive person, especially when it comes to people’s potential - especially children’s potential. But, by the time that Brandy left our house, I was happy to see her go. She had me beaten down. She sucked the very life out of us, sapping energy that we could have used for the other kids. Jim & I survived it together, but we, as a family, definitely felt the impact of her presence. And, I still feel like a failure when I think about how we never broke through to her, to the real her - never got her to find the joy in living an honest, responsible life.

I, personally, hadn’t heard from her in over a year, when I took the phone from Allison on Friday. I knew that she had moved out of her father’s house & was living on her own (she’s only 17, and, according to what she told me later on Friday, is starting her sophomore year, again, next year).

She asked if I was busy. Said she needed someone to talk to. Said she couldn’t talk about it on the phone. I told her that we had planned on going to the library, but that she could come over if she needed to & she said that she would.

Next 15 minutes, I felt like throwing up. Worrying about what it would be. Would she want to move back in? Was she pregnant? Did she need money?

By the time she showed up, she had calmed down about whatever it was. I think it had something to do with an argument she had with her boyfriend’s sister. They had driven up from where they live & were staying with the sister for the night. The boyfriend, apparently, had a court date, but Brandy didn’t know what it was for. Sigh…

Not going to go into the whole conversation, but, from time to time, she’d look all sad & say “I really miss you guys”. Then, look at me.

What are you supposed to say in a situation like that, where you *don’t* (God, if you exist, please forgive me) miss the person who’s saying that right to your face? “That’s weird, I don’t miss you a little bit, in fact I can’t think of one time in the past 3 years where I’ve thought… Gee, I wish Brandy was here, although there have been a few where I’ve thought, Gee, things are so much more peaceful & happy without Brandy here”.

So, I’d say… “We miss you sometimes, too”.

Poor kid. I hope she realizes, some time, what her life is all about. That there’s no magic formula, no ‘trick’ to happiness. You don’t have to manipulate anyone, you don’t have to get lucky, you don’t have to hurt anyone or fool anyone or live in a tangle of lies. You just have to decide the kind of person that you want to be, then be it, without hurting anyone else or taking anything that doesn’t belong to you or pretending to be anything that you aren’t right now.

May she find peace & happiness in an honest life filled with love some day.

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Watched Adaptation again tonight. Just wanted to reiterate the quote that I love so much from that movie. It’s not just the quote, though, it’s the whole scene surrounding it - the story that leads up to it. I can’t find it on-line, though, so here’s the quote:

You are what you love, not what loves you.

Last night, Shelby had a hard time falling asleep. Might have had something to do with the fact that he, for the first time, actually swam under water at the pool (hooray!) just before we came home & went to bed. Maybe it was the heat. Maybe it’s just crazy summer-time bedtimes (or lack of them). Who knows. He didn’t fall asleep until 11:15p, after an hour and a half of calling me into his room for one thing or another every 5-10 minutes (while I was in the kitchen trying to sew), and after a move to my bed, where I ended up staying with him for 15 minutes until he calmed down enough to finally give in to sleep.

Tonight, as I was sitting by them, as I usually do, for a few minutes after I put the light out, Shelby sat up & started rummaging around in some toys that were by his bed. He said, “Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot that I wanted to give you something.”

He found an art kit & opened up one of the drawers in it, pulling something out.

He reached his hand out to me & said “Here, mom, I wanted to give you this because you were so nice last night”.

It was a tiny golden heart. Looks like it might have been part of a teensy frame, or the rim to the face of an inexpensive watch, or maybe it fell off of a gumball machine necklace. I don’t know where he got it. But, it was so sweet, so thoughtful. He’s a great kid.

A couple of nice pictures that Allison took of Shelby climbing a tree when we were at our campsite at Indiana Beach. She takes such great pictures!

That’s our pop-up camper in the background!

Including mundane tasks, including frustrating moments, including parenting…

Just thinking about this as I continue to mull over this:

In fact, “an act of parenting makes most people about as happy as an act of housework.”

Got me to thinking that I’m sure some people do live their lives like that, just kind of tolerating the tasks they are supposed to do, hoping for some little bit of happiness or some tiny reward along the way. I know that I do sometimes, too. But, I am also aware of what a waste of this precious, limited life that living like that is. So, I try as best I can to enjoy it all.

This excerpt from “Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life” by
Thich Nhat Hanh says it very nicely, I think:

To my mind, the idea that doing dishes is unpleasant can occur only when you aren’t doing them. Once you are standing in front of the sink with your sleeves rolled up and your hands in the warm water, it is really quite pleasant. I enjoy taking my time with each dish, being fully aware of the dish, the water, and each movement of my hands. I know that if I hurry in order to eat dessert sooner, the time of washing dishes will be unpleasant and not worth living. That would be a pity, for each minute, eachsecond of life is a miracle. The dishes themselves and the fact that I am here washing them are miracles!

If I am incapable of washing dishes joyfully, if I want to finish them quickly so I can go and have dessert, I will be equally incapable of enjoying my dessert. With the fork in my hand, I will be thinking about what to do next, and the texture and flavor of the dessert, together with the pleasure of eating it, will be lost. I will always be dragged into the future, never able to live in the present moment.

Each thought, each action in the sunlight of awareness becomes sacred. In this light, no boundary exists between the sacred and the profane. I must confess it takes me a bit longer to do the dishes, but I live fully in every moment, and I am happy. Washing the dishes is at the same time a means and an end–that is, not only do we do the dishes in order to have clean dishes, we also do the dishes just to do the dishes, to live fully in each moment while washing them.

During the evening, yesterday, Allison was on-line a lot (before & after skating). She was giggling & laughing out loud quite a bit. Seemed to be having a fun chat with someone. I asked her what she was laughing at a few times & she showed me goofy stuff that she was typing with someone, but I didn’t really pay attention to who it was - just what they were saying.

While we were getting ready to watch Scrubs, after the little kids were asleep, I asked her who it was that she was talking to on-line. She said “My husband”. I said, “Oh, OK. That’s alright, then”.

:D

And, I really meant it. He seems like a nice kid. :shrug

She posts on this message board, and, for some reason, they all got into a ‘lets get married to each other’ thing. I’m not sure if it’s still going strong on the board, but her ‘husband’ regularly posts to her blog & she to his. They’re friends. If they want to call it ‘married’, I don’t really have a problem with it. It’s just some intelligent, quirky kids goofing around.

And, we trust Allison to chat with whoever she wants or go wherever she wants online. We check in with her from time to time. And, the computer is right in the living room (although that never stopped Brandy from figuring out ways to get into trouble on-line — sigh… ).

What we’ve done is to sit with her, when she went on-line, from when she was 6 years old & first started going on-line. We’ve experienced chat, message boards, game rooms, all kinds of websites, *with* her. Talking about how *we* feel about the yucky sites & creepy people. Talking about how *she* feels about them. Working out strategies for dealing with them & keeping safe. Right from the start. As she became more confident, as we became more confident in her ability to make good decisions for herself, we gave her more freedom.

Some would call this ‘helicopter parenting’ or ‘hovering’, I just call it parenting & teaching.

Seems to have worked with her. That’s pretty much our plan for the little ones, too. Already they know that there are some bad things & people on the internet, along with the good things & people. Just like real life. Just have to teach them how to navigate it all.

We went roller skating tonight (wahoo!).

Shelby did great - was skating by himself most of the time, no worries about falling, just got back up. Mostly he kind of runs on the skates, but, sometimes, he’d roll for a bit.

Allison had fun & didn’t fall down at all It’s funny, watching Shelby skate reminded me so much of how she used to skate when she was his age. Gives me hope that he’ll be able to really move & enjoy the music while he’s skating some day, too, just like Allison does.

Annie did OK. She likes to fall down on purpose, just so that she can have us pick her up. That girl really likes attention I had a talk with her about really trying hard to stand up, not pulling on our arms, so that, when she really *does* fall, we won’t be too tired to help her when she *really* needs it. Also explained why it was dangerous to be on the floor at a skating rink, with all of the heavy skates & people not being able to stop easily. After that, and after watching the big kids skating, she did try a bit more to actually skate.

My legs are tired, though

As we were leaving the skating rink, they were playing a song that I’ve always liked - “Take A Picture” by Filter. I never really knew what it meant, but loved the lyric “Would you take a picture? ‘Cause I won’t remember”. Just seems so beautiful, so wistful - like such a lovely reminder to cherish the love that’s all around you right now. You can hear a sample of the song at Amazon.

So, as I was getting the kids ready for bed, Allison looked up the song for me online & we looked at the lyrics, to see if we could figure out what it was all about.

FILTER
“Take A Picture”

Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bear
My skin is theirs
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
My skin is bare
My skin is theirs
I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Awake on my airplane
Awake on my airplane
I feel so real

::Chorus::LyricsCafe.com::
Could you take my picture
‘Cuz I won’t remember
Could you take my picture
‘Cuz I won’t remember
Could you take my picture
‘Cuz I won’t remember
Yeah

I don’t believe in
I don’t believe in
In your sanctity
Your privacy
I don’t believe in
I don’t believe in
Sanctity
A hypocrisy
Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone yeah
And I feel like a newborn
And I feel like a newborn
Kicking and screaming

::Chorus::LyricsCafe.com::

Hey dad what do you think about your son now
Ah hey dad what do you think about your son now

Hmm… Still don’t really get it. Maybe ‘airplane’ means something different, we thought… I had to put the kids to bed & said that I’d just look it up afterwards.

I did…

Here’s what wikipedia has to say about it:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filter_(band)
* The song Take a Picture is about a dispute on an airplane. Richard Patrick stripped down to his boxers to get comfortable enough to sleep, alarming the other passengers. Lyrics include: “I don’t believe in privacy”; “I feel like a new-born”; and “Awake on my airplane.” “Take a picture” is a popular expression to say when someone is caught staring, especially at someone who is naked or in his or her underwear (”Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer.”).

* The lyrics “Hey, Dad, what do you think about your son now?” in the song Take a Picture refers to the fact that Patrick’s father didn’t believe he could make it in the recording business and tried to persuade him to pursue another direction.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Take_a_Picture
The song’s lush synthesized wall of sound and its lyrics, revolving around the chorus: Could you take my picture / Cause I won’t remember, lends it a surreal and dreamlike aura. This has caused many people to interpret the meaning of the song for something that it wasn’t. Patrick has come out and said that the song is only about him getting drunk on an airplane, taking off all of his clothes, and wrestling with the flight attendants who tried to subdue him.

Sigh

So, now, when I listen to that song, I’m not going to be thinking about a wistful cherishing of time as it passes. Instead, I’m going to be thinking about some obnoxious drunk half-naked idiot on a plane.

Reminds me of one of my favorite Bloom County strips - where Opus tells a friend that the Beatles’ “Yesterday” reminded him of porpoises frolicking in the Antarctic – until they made a video for the song full of half-naked women and explosions. Now when Opus hears “Yesterday,” all he can think of are half-naked exploding porpoises. (Wish I could find the strip to link here, but I can’t…)

Just because it’s fun to admit to the ‘mistakes’ that seem to be working just fine, anyway.

8:15pm - they’re still eating dinner, because the night got away from me. Shelby comes into the kitchen & takes a kid-sized single-serving bottle of juice out of the fridge - asks if he can have it.

Me: “Sorry, buddy, it’s too close to bedtime. If you have too much to drink now, you might pee the bed”

Shelby: “Please! I’ll try really hard to pee before I go to sleep”

Me: “Hmmm… That doesn’t always work. But, if you are really thirsty, I guess you could wear a pullup to bed.” (He HATES wearing pullups to bed)

Shelby: “How about if I just drink this much (indicating 1/4 of the way down on the bottle), then put the rest back in the fridge for breakfast?”

Me: “Sure, that would solve your thirst problem and my worries about cleaning your bed”

And, he had an inch of the juice with the rest of his dinner, then put the top back on & put it away in the fridge.

:-p

Took Shelby in for a blood test last Thursday (met new allergist, too). Got the results this morning. He still tests positive for cow’s milk allergy - 1.02, which is ‘moderate’ (or so the nurse said).

Sigh…

Another year of being really, really careful about everything he eats

If I remember right, though, he was ‘High Moderate’ last year, so this is a hopeful improvement, anyway.

OK…. Just thought of another (as my kids were wrestling here in the living room & I was reminding them to be careful with each other’s bodies)…

This Q/A:

http://www.macleans.ca/culture/books/article.jsp?content=20060109_118891_118891
You write that the “ultimate dumb thing” a parent can do is ask four children: “Where do you guys want to go for dinner?” or “What movie do you guys want to see?”
Right. Because then they start screaming and fighting and everybody is miserable. But I’ve done it too. I’ve done it all.

directly contradicts her latest column/article/blog entry:

http://betsyhart.net/blog/article/39/so-sibling-fighting-isnt-so-bad
So Sibling Fighting Isn’t so Bad?? · Jul 7, 05:24 PM by Betsy Hart

How siblings shape us

By BETSY HART
Scripps Howard News Service
06-JUL-06

Ah, so now I can prove to my four kids that their siblings sometimes torment them for a good purpose after all.

Time magazine this week, in a fascinating cover story, explored the impact that siblings have on each other over the long term. In “How Your Siblings Make You Who You Are,” Jeffrey Kluger delves into the growing understanding among researchers that our brothers and sisters have a huge impact on shaping the person each of us becomes.

This isn’t about birth order. This is about the interaction that occurs between siblings. By the time children are 11, they devote “33 percent of their free time to their siblings,” more than to anyone else, including parents, Kluger writes. Even busy adolescents spend about 10 hours a week with their sibs. And researchers are discovering that that’s pretty powerful.

Back to the tormenting part. It turns out a lot of the “shaping” of siblings may come from fighting and yet having to resolve the conflict simply because they are permanent fixtures in each other’s lives. (Kluger reveals that between ages 3 to 7, for instance, kids clash about 3.5 times an hour and at younger ages it’s worse. No surprises there!)

I think so often we parents agonize over our children’s relationships. I often try to help my children work through their difficulties with each other, to help them to get to the heart of the matter or just to set the (alas, too-often-ignored) rule that they can’t come to me to solve an argument or if they are offended until they’ve first tried to work it out directly with the other child.

But I can’t and I won’t get involved in all their interactions and disputes. They have to learn to navigate some things, many things, on their own.

It would be useless, even counterproductive, anyway. I can see dynamics at work in my children’s relationships that are clear, apparently inexorable, and yes, sometimes even seemingly negative.
….. (there’s more)

So, what is it? Don’t expect them to work together? Or, let them fight it out themselves?

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IMHO… I do referee, when I can. When I witness the kids fighting & have the time, especially if I see someone fighting in an unfair, rude or dangerous way, I talk to them about more appropriate ways that they could communicate with each other & come to an agreement.

If I see one being mean or not considering the other’s feelings, I do pull that child aside & talk to them about their actions & words. It’s my job to try to teach them how to be good people (even if the other people that they may run into in the world are not going to be good).

If they are reacting to another child’s or person’s actions & words (adult or child, related or not), I try to teach them to think about where the other person is coming from, examine their own actions & words in relation to that person & decide what they are going to do (now or differently in the future) to be the person they want to be, no matter what the other person’s behavior.

I sometimes also try to get them to think about what they might be able to do to make the other mean/rude/selfish person happier in their life, so that they will not be mean/rude/selfish to others in the future.

The kids sometimes go to the daycare at the gym (not often enough for my own health, I’m afraid). When I’d pick them up, they’d always tell me about another kid, Darien, who took the toys away from them, hit them, etc. Now, they both know, pretty well, that most problems with other people come from an inability to communicate and understand each other well. It’s the basis of most conflict between most animals (including humans). So, I asked them why they thought Darien was doing that. They came up with a few reasons: Maybe he didn’t know that taking toys wasn’t fair. Maybe he didn’t know how to ask. Maybe he was afraid they wouldn’t share if he did ask. Maybe he didn’t know that hitting them was not a good way to communicate. Then, we talked about how they could communicate with Darien, to let him know how they felt about what he was doing.

Darien became their project. They kept making an effort to play with him. They asked him to ask first, if he wanted a toy they had. They sometimes shared with him before he even asked.

You should have seen their faces (they were then 3 & 5 - Darien was a very young 3, I think), the day when I came to pick them up after my workout & they ran up to me all excited, rushing to tell me that Darien was nice that day & now he was their friend!

That’s one heck of a memory for them to have from their childhood - even if they don’t remember the details, I hope they remember the feeling. They talk about it still.

I don’t make a lesson out of every disagreement or scuffle they have. I do it when I can though. Don’t really have to do it as often anymore, as they start to internalize these lessons into their own personalities.

It’s not easy to teach kids everything they need to know to be good people, but I’m determined to give it my best effort.

So, if I see dynamics at work in my children’s relationships with each other or with other, that are clearly negative, I will not view them as inexorable. Instead, I will view them as an indicator that there is something about empathy and positive living that I need to try to teach them.

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Additionally, if this article about sibling rivalry made Betsy see things a different way, rethink her parenting strategy, isn’t it a great thing that ‘experts’ are still writing those awful parenting articles talking about new ideas in parenting & offering advice about it? Hey, wait a minute, does Betsy write one of those herself?

This has been cracking me up all day yesterday & today. I see this every day as I walk through the break room that separates us I.T. people from the other people in the building.

Don’t know if you can read it, but it’s a banner that says ‘Welcome to Paradise’, unfurled over the microwave/sink area of the breakroom, in honor of ‘Employee Appreciation Week’.

I don’t think they’re trying to be sarcastic

:D

I’m thinking I should make this ‘Bad Mommy Confession’ thing a recurring thread idea

The Timmy Turner Show (aka Fairly Oddparents)

I love that show. So do the kids. There’s this ‘Schools Out‘ musical special that was on ‘On Demand’ before we switched from Cable to Dish, that they watched every night during dinner (yes, in front of the TV) for a couple of weeks. They’ve got the whole show memorized (Allison, too). And, they can act it out for us from start to finish. The whole family’s breaking into song throughout the day - “Hey, Floppy Bob, can’t you see what you’ve done?” (the character is actually Flappy Bob, but Annie says ‘Floppy’ & it seems to have stuck for all of us - and, Annie sometimes says ‘Floppy Mom’ when she’s singing it to me). They get down on the floor, imploring, on that lyric. They know the choreography on almost all of the songs.

“Where is the fun! Who can I turn to?”

They were singing it in the bathtub last night.

Anyway, I’ve heard moms on message boards say that they find The Fairly Oddparents to be rude, disrespectful to adults, makes adults looks stupid, etc. Well, quite honestly, Timmy’s parents are pretty bad & not all that deserving of respect, but… Timmy loves them anyway & keeps on trying to get their attention. Cosmo is an idiot, but a loveable goofy one, who means well.

And, my kids know the difference between cartoon people & real people They know that some things are just plain fun & silly, and, that’s a good thing. They know that life is to be enjoyed, whenever possible. I’m glad that they know that.

Additionally, the Cosmo/Wanda love song led to an interesting discussion last night about armpits, the physical changes of adolescence, tarpits, dinosaurs and what would happen if dinosaurs were still alive today

http://www.macleans.ca/culture/books/article.jsp?content=20060109_118891_118891
You write that parents need to accept that most kids are ordinary. Very few of us have given birth to gifted, exceptional children, and that’s okay.
Yes, and I think parents really have to ask themselves: “Is that okay with me?” And I fear more and more parents are saying: “No!” I think that’s a real tragedy. You have to see your children the way they are, or you are going to make everybody miserable, including yourself. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was raised in the Midwest, but I am just more comfortable with “average.” It’s more important what’s going on in their hearts, not just in their pocketbooks, or on the gymnastics floor. It seems to me if we can get to that understanding, we can really enjoy them, and enjoy life, and they might even be happier.

Everyone is exceptional, special, wonderful. It’s not linked to gymnastics or pocketbooks at all. It’s still OK to tell your kids that they are amazingly unique creatures, laden with talents and possibilities in life (you can even say that those talents are gifts from God, if you so believe), even if they don’t excel in the more popular aspects of life.

What are some of the typical indulgences that you see going on?
You have the material indulgences. If Suzy down the street got one level of American Girl doll, then we have to get the next level up. And if the child kicks and screams and says: “I’ve just got to have this or I’m going to die,” well, we don’t want them to be disappointed. But I also think it’s bigger than just material indulgences. It’s things like, “I want to go to the mall RIGHT NOW.” “I want to express my passions and scream because Suzy irritated me, and don’t you dare tell me not to express my passions.”

Have you ever seen this happen anywhere besides a movie? And, in the movie, isn’t that child always portrayed as a negative character?

We have been taught, by parenting experts such as Penelope Leach, never to criticize the child — only the behaviour.
Right — criticize the behaviour — as if it just showed up in the cereal box that morning or was delivered by FedEx. It didn’t come from the child’s heart. It’s odd, because when our children do a great thing, and act unselfishly, we’re all over that. “Oh, Tommy’s such a good kid.” But the minute they hurt another child, or act selfishly, oh boy, that can’t be coming from the heart. And yes, sometimes they are tired. Sometimes they are overstressed. But sometime, those things do come from the heart and if we are not willing to face up to that, we are not doing our children any favours. We see them not as they are. And we don’t help them struggle with the weaknesses of their hearts.

I’m curious what alternative you use, in the situation where you see the child is just plain evil inside (that’s what you’re saying, right?). Do you say “You are a bad, wicked child”?

In real life, how are you going to solve a problem (in this case, a behavior problem in the child for whom you are responsible) without finding it’s cause & rectifying the cause? If your child is inherently selfish & you call them that, they might try to be better next time, but they will always know that you think that they are inherently bad (and, hopefully, your opinion of them is important to them). If you tell them that you know that they would not want to hurt another person (and logically reason with them so that they know why - we are all interdependent - golden rule stuff - I’m sure you’ve heard it before), then help them figure out why they did it, and, because it makes them feel bad to hurt someone else in the world, help them figure out how to do better next time, they have the underlying knowledge that they are a good person who sometimes makes mistakes.

http://www.nationalreview.com/interrogatory/hart200509210806.asp
Betsy Hart takes on the parenting culture in America — one where parents, she says, are “pushovers.”

Aaarrrghhh! So tired of hearing this! Have you heard of qualifiers? How about ’some’ parents are pushovers. Or, ‘many’ parents are pushovers. Or, parents who are ‘pushovers’ are not very good parents.

NRO: What’s the most recent example of “pushover parenting” you’ve seen?

Hart: Um, let’s see, you mean outside of my own home? Too numerous to count. It certainly occurs every time you see a child yelling at, ignoring, or defying his parents — and the parents standing by cowed and helpless and intimidated by it all. Don’t we see scenes like that every day?

I don’t see scenes like that every day. Can’t think of the last time that I did. Well… Except in movies, that is.

NRO: You made this up: A four-year-old choosing what school he will go to? How is that even possible?

Hart: I wish I’d made it up. That came straight to me from the principal at the school. This situation is possible because parents idolize their kids — thanks largely to the experts who work very hard to convince parents that their children are born with inherent wisdom and goodness.

Did the 4-yo, against his parents wishes, go into the school and register himself? If not, what, exactly, is wrong with giving a child his options, discussing them with him on his level & hearing him out? Then, considering his opinion when making a final decision?

We’re not guaranteed perfect little ones no matter what we do, so forget those silly promises on magazine covers like “stop tantrums in 60 seconds.” If only it were that easy!

Apparently it is that easy for some kids. Are you suggesting that no one write magazine articles with options that some parents might find, read, implement and use with success? Is there anything wrong with the sharing of parenting ideas that are not your own?

1-2-3 Magic works pretty good with my 4-yo, but not with my 6-yo. I’m glad they wrote the book, anyway & shared the idea, even if it doesn’t work with the 6-yo. Parenting with Love & Logic works *great* with my 6-yo & 14-yo stepdaughter. Different approaches - different kids - same parents - just trying our best, using the resources available, discarding what doesn’t work. It’s called living and learning. Lots of us can admit that we don’t know it all & can learn from others ideas.

Hart: I have a psychologist friend in New York City who tells me that all New York City parents think their child rates in the top 95 percent of. . . everything.

Wow - did you have some kind of coronation ceremony when you became the queen of sweeping generalizations stated as facts?

http://www.humaneventsonline.com/article.php?id=9181
Why do I have to give my 2-year-old choices all day long?

So she can learn how to make choices. I would think this would be obvious.

. If they let their 2-year-old make choices, by the time that 2-year-old is 12, he’s used to making choices and getting to do what he wants all day. It seems to me it makes more sense to give the child limited freedom, and as he can handle more choices, give him more freedom

WTF? You contradict yourself within 2 sentences. What do you think the ‘parenting experts’ mean when they say you should give your 2-yo choices??? Do you even read the articles that you are disparaging? Of course you give them limited choices? WTF? No one on earth is advocating that you let a 2-yo run the show.

It’s like you’re saying ‘everyone is idiots’ just to get everyone riled up, without even looking around you at reality.

At that point, I was thinking about writing this book and decided to do it. The whole point of it is not that I’m expert. It’s to encourage moms and dads to have the confidence to raise their kids as they see fit. I show research on things from self-esteem to spanking. I just say, let’s use common sense. What makes sense in your home? It might be different from my home—that’s great. You’re the mom and dad, and that has to mean something.

If this is actually what you’re trying to say, your advertising and your actual writing in your editorials -and- in your book, are not making your point for you. Your editorials & book give the impression that you think your way is the right way & that the parents who make other choices in parenting are wrong. You make absolutely no distinction between *good parents* successfully using methods you don’t approve of & *bad parents* unsuccessfully using methods you don’t approve of.

We *love* Dr. Sears at my house (both my husband & myself - yes, he’s in here parenting, too, every day). And, for their ages, our kids are wonderfully behaved, extremely empathetic, good problem solvers, articulate, polite, very aware of others. No one has ever told me that the kids had a ‘problem with sharing’. And, all of this without any religious dogma.

So, your ‘pushover parent’ & ‘parenting culture’ rhetoric is just so much hot air & bluster, masquerading re-hashed parenting advice - parenting advice that you expect the parents who read your book to follow. And, not even barely masquerading a great dislike for people who are not you, who have differing opinions about parenting & who decide to voice them strongly

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OK - have to stop again. More stuff to do

But, I did want to say something about something I read somewhere on her site, but can’t find now. I think it had something to do with the book. In which, it was mentioned that it was wrong to give kids reasons for the rules that you impose.

I really don’t get that at all. How do you expect your kids to learn how to determine right from wrong themselves, if you don’t explain it to them? Would you blindly follow laws that were set down for you if you didn’t know why? You might, in order to avoid a punishment. But, if you were then set in a situation where the threat of punishment was removed & still didn’t understand the reason for the law, you would go right ahead & do whatever felt good for you.

I just don’t see anything wrong with treating my children with exactly the same amount of respect that I would want someone else to treat me, even though I have more life experience and knowledge than they do. In fact, I believe it’s my responsibility as their parent to do so and model that kind of proper behavior for them.

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I do have one more question for you, coming from a stepmother’s perspective, too. Why is it that you moved your children away from their father after/during the divorce? Was he on board with that? When he divorced you, did he also divorce the kids? Do you think that’s good for them?