I love the passing of time

OK…. Just thought of another (as my kids were wrestling here in the living room & I was reminding them to be careful with each other’s bodies)…

This Q/A:

http://www.macleans.ca/culture/books/article.jsp?content=20060109_118891_118891
You write that the “ultimate dumb thing” a parent can do is ask four children: “Where do you guys want to go for dinner?” or “What movie do you guys want to see?”
Right. Because then they start screaming and fighting and everybody is miserable. But I’ve done it too. I’ve done it all.

directly contradicts her latest column/article/blog entry:

http://betsyhart.net/blog/article/39/so-sibling-fighting-isnt-so-bad
So Sibling Fighting Isn’t so Bad?? · Jul 7, 05:24 PM by Betsy Hart

How siblings shape us

By BETSY HART
Scripps Howard News Service
06-JUL-06

Ah, so now I can prove to my four kids that their siblings sometimes torment them for a good purpose after all.

Time magazine this week, in a fascinating cover story, explored the impact that siblings have on each other over the long term. In “How Your Siblings Make You Who You Are,” Jeffrey Kluger delves into the growing understanding among researchers that our brothers and sisters have a huge impact on shaping the person each of us becomes.

This isn’t about birth order. This is about the interaction that occurs between siblings. By the time children are 11, they devote “33 percent of their free time to their siblings,” more than to anyone else, including parents, Kluger writes. Even busy adolescents spend about 10 hours a week with their sibs. And researchers are discovering that that’s pretty powerful.

Back to the tormenting part. It turns out a lot of the “shaping” of siblings may come from fighting and yet having to resolve the conflict simply because they are permanent fixtures in each other’s lives. (Kluger reveals that between ages 3 to 7, for instance, kids clash about 3.5 times an hour and at younger ages it’s worse. No surprises there!)

I think so often we parents agonize over our children’s relationships. I often try to help my children work through their difficulties with each other, to help them to get to the heart of the matter or just to set the (alas, too-often-ignored) rule that they can’t come to me to solve an argument or if they are offended until they’ve first tried to work it out directly with the other child.

But I can’t and I won’t get involved in all their interactions and disputes. They have to learn to navigate some things, many things, on their own.

It would be useless, even counterproductive, anyway. I can see dynamics at work in my children’s relationships that are clear, apparently inexorable, and yes, sometimes even seemingly negative.
….. (there’s more)

So, what is it? Don’t expect them to work together? Or, let them fight it out themselves?

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IMHO… I do referee, when I can. When I witness the kids fighting & have the time, especially if I see someone fighting in an unfair, rude or dangerous way, I talk to them about more appropriate ways that they could communicate with each other & come to an agreement.

If I see one being mean or not considering the other’s feelings, I do pull that child aside & talk to them about their actions & words. It’s my job to try to teach them how to be good people (even if the other people that they may run into in the world are not going to be good).

If they are reacting to another child’s or person’s actions & words (adult or child, related or not), I try to teach them to think about where the other person is coming from, examine their own actions & words in relation to that person & decide what they are going to do (now or differently in the future) to be the person they want to be, no matter what the other person’s behavior.

I sometimes also try to get them to think about what they might be able to do to make the other mean/rude/selfish person happier in their life, so that they will not be mean/rude/selfish to others in the future.

The kids sometimes go to the daycare at the gym (not often enough for my own health, I’m afraid). When I’d pick them up, they’d always tell me about another kid, Darien, who took the toys away from them, hit them, etc. Now, they both know, pretty well, that most problems with other people come from an inability to communicate and understand each other well. It’s the basis of most conflict between most animals (including humans). So, I asked them why they thought Darien was doing that. They came up with a few reasons: Maybe he didn’t know that taking toys wasn’t fair. Maybe he didn’t know how to ask. Maybe he was afraid they wouldn’t share if he did ask. Maybe he didn’t know that hitting them was not a good way to communicate. Then, we talked about how they could communicate with Darien, to let him know how they felt about what he was doing.

Darien became their project. They kept making an effort to play with him. They asked him to ask first, if he wanted a toy they had. They sometimes shared with him before he even asked.

You should have seen their faces (they were then 3 & 5 - Darien was a very young 3, I think), the day when I came to pick them up after my workout & they ran up to me all excited, rushing to tell me that Darien was nice that day & now he was their friend!

That’s one heck of a memory for them to have from their childhood - even if they don’t remember the details, I hope they remember the feeling. They talk about it still.

I don’t make a lesson out of every disagreement or scuffle they have. I do it when I can though. Don’t really have to do it as often anymore, as they start to internalize these lessons into their own personalities.

It’s not easy to teach kids everything they need to know to be good people, but I’m determined to give it my best effort.

So, if I see dynamics at work in my children’s relationships with each other or with other, that are clearly negative, I will not view them as inexorable. Instead, I will view them as an indicator that there is something about empathy and positive living that I need to try to teach them.

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Additionally, if this article about sibling rivalry made Betsy see things a different way, rethink her parenting strategy, isn’t it a great thing that ‘experts’ are still writing those awful parenting articles talking about new ideas in parenting & offering advice about it? Hey, wait a minute, does Betsy write one of those herself?