I love the passing of time

http://www.macleans.ca/culture/books/article.jsp?content=20060109_118891_118891
You write that parents need to accept that most kids are ordinary. Very few of us have given birth to gifted, exceptional children, and that’s okay.
Yes, and I think parents really have to ask themselves: “Is that okay with me?” And I fear more and more parents are saying: “No!” I think that’s a real tragedy. You have to see your children the way they are, or you are going to make everybody miserable, including yourself. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was raised in the Midwest, but I am just more comfortable with “average.” It’s more important what’s going on in their hearts, not just in their pocketbooks, or on the gymnastics floor. It seems to me if we can get to that understanding, we can really enjoy them, and enjoy life, and they might even be happier.

Everyone is exceptional, special, wonderful. It’s not linked to gymnastics or pocketbooks at all. It’s still OK to tell your kids that they are amazingly unique creatures, laden with talents and possibilities in life (you can even say that those talents are gifts from God, if you so believe), even if they don’t excel in the more popular aspects of life.

What are some of the typical indulgences that you see going on?
You have the material indulgences. If Suzy down the street got one level of American Girl doll, then we have to get the next level up. And if the child kicks and screams and says: “I’ve just got to have this or I’m going to die,” well, we don’t want them to be disappointed. But I also think it’s bigger than just material indulgences. It’s things like, “I want to go to the mall RIGHT NOW.” “I want to express my passions and scream because Suzy irritated me, and don’t you dare tell me not to express my passions.”

Have you ever seen this happen anywhere besides a movie? And, in the movie, isn’t that child always portrayed as a negative character?

We have been taught, by parenting experts such as Penelope Leach, never to criticize the child — only the behaviour.
Right — criticize the behaviour — as if it just showed up in the cereal box that morning or was delivered by FedEx. It didn’t come from the child’s heart. It’s odd, because when our children do a great thing, and act unselfishly, we’re all over that. “Oh, Tommy’s such a good kid.” But the minute they hurt another child, or act selfishly, oh boy, that can’t be coming from the heart. And yes, sometimes they are tired. Sometimes they are overstressed. But sometime, those things do come from the heart and if we are not willing to face up to that, we are not doing our children any favours. We see them not as they are. And we don’t help them struggle with the weaknesses of their hearts.

I’m curious what alternative you use, in the situation where you see the child is just plain evil inside (that’s what you’re saying, right?). Do you say “You are a bad, wicked child”?

In real life, how are you going to solve a problem (in this case, a behavior problem in the child for whom you are responsible) without finding it’s cause & rectifying the cause? If your child is inherently selfish & you call them that, they might try to be better next time, but they will always know that you think that they are inherently bad (and, hopefully, your opinion of them is important to them). If you tell them that you know that they would not want to hurt another person (and logically reason with them so that they know why - we are all interdependent - golden rule stuff - I’m sure you’ve heard it before), then help them figure out why they did it, and, because it makes them feel bad to hurt someone else in the world, help them figure out how to do better next time, they have the underlying knowledge that they are a good person who sometimes makes mistakes.

http://www.nationalreview.com/interrogatory/hart200509210806.asp
Betsy Hart takes on the parenting culture in America — one where parents, she says, are “pushovers.”

Aaarrrghhh! So tired of hearing this! Have you heard of qualifiers? How about ’some’ parents are pushovers. Or, ‘many’ parents are pushovers. Or, parents who are ‘pushovers’ are not very good parents.

NRO: What’s the most recent example of “pushover parenting” you’ve seen?

Hart: Um, let’s see, you mean outside of my own home? Too numerous to count. It certainly occurs every time you see a child yelling at, ignoring, or defying his parents — and the parents standing by cowed and helpless and intimidated by it all. Don’t we see scenes like that every day?

I don’t see scenes like that every day. Can’t think of the last time that I did. Well… Except in movies, that is.

NRO: You made this up: A four-year-old choosing what school he will go to? How is that even possible?

Hart: I wish I’d made it up. That came straight to me from the principal at the school. This situation is possible because parents idolize their kids — thanks largely to the experts who work very hard to convince parents that their children are born with inherent wisdom and goodness.

Did the 4-yo, against his parents wishes, go into the school and register himself? If not, what, exactly, is wrong with giving a child his options, discussing them with him on his level & hearing him out? Then, considering his opinion when making a final decision?

We’re not guaranteed perfect little ones no matter what we do, so forget those silly promises on magazine covers like “stop tantrums in 60 seconds.” If only it were that easy!

Apparently it is that easy for some kids. Are you suggesting that no one write magazine articles with options that some parents might find, read, implement and use with success? Is there anything wrong with the sharing of parenting ideas that are not your own?

1-2-3 Magic works pretty good with my 4-yo, but not with my 6-yo. I’m glad they wrote the book, anyway & shared the idea, even if it doesn’t work with the 6-yo. Parenting with Love & Logic works *great* with my 6-yo & 14-yo stepdaughter. Different approaches - different kids - same parents - just trying our best, using the resources available, discarding what doesn’t work. It’s called living and learning. Lots of us can admit that we don’t know it all & can learn from others ideas.

Hart: I have a psychologist friend in New York City who tells me that all New York City parents think their child rates in the top 95 percent of. . . everything.

Wow - did you have some kind of coronation ceremony when you became the queen of sweeping generalizations stated as facts?

http://www.humaneventsonline.com/article.php?id=9181
Why do I have to give my 2-year-old choices all day long?

So she can learn how to make choices. I would think this would be obvious.

. If they let their 2-year-old make choices, by the time that 2-year-old is 12, he’s used to making choices and getting to do what he wants all day. It seems to me it makes more sense to give the child limited freedom, and as he can handle more choices, give him more freedom

WTF? You contradict yourself within 2 sentences. What do you think the ‘parenting experts’ mean when they say you should give your 2-yo choices??? Do you even read the articles that you are disparaging? Of course you give them limited choices? WTF? No one on earth is advocating that you let a 2-yo run the show.

It’s like you’re saying ‘everyone is idiots’ just to get everyone riled up, without even looking around you at reality.

At that point, I was thinking about writing this book and decided to do it. The whole point of it is not that I’m expert. It’s to encourage moms and dads to have the confidence to raise their kids as they see fit. I show research on things from self-esteem to spanking. I just say, let’s use common sense. What makes sense in your home? It might be different from my home—that’s great. You’re the mom and dad, and that has to mean something.

If this is actually what you’re trying to say, your advertising and your actual writing in your editorials -and- in your book, are not making your point for you. Your editorials & book give the impression that you think your way is the right way & that the parents who make other choices in parenting are wrong. You make absolutely no distinction between *good parents* successfully using methods you don’t approve of & *bad parents* unsuccessfully using methods you don’t approve of.

We *love* Dr. Sears at my house (both my husband & myself - yes, he’s in here parenting, too, every day). And, for their ages, our kids are wonderfully behaved, extremely empathetic, good problem solvers, articulate, polite, very aware of others. No one has ever told me that the kids had a ‘problem with sharing’. And, all of this without any religious dogma.

So, your ‘pushover parent’ & ‘parenting culture’ rhetoric is just so much hot air & bluster, masquerading re-hashed parenting advice - parenting advice that you expect the parents who read your book to follow. And, not even barely masquerading a great dislike for people who are not you, who have differing opinions about parenting & who decide to voice them strongly

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OK - have to stop again. More stuff to do

But, I did want to say something about something I read somewhere on her site, but can’t find now. I think it had something to do with the book. In which, it was mentioned that it was wrong to give kids reasons for the rules that you impose.

I really don’t get that at all. How do you expect your kids to learn how to determine right from wrong themselves, if you don’t explain it to them? Would you blindly follow laws that were set down for you if you didn’t know why? You might, in order to avoid a punishment. But, if you were then set in a situation where the threat of punishment was removed & still didn’t understand the reason for the law, you would go right ahead & do whatever felt good for you.

I just don’t see anything wrong with treating my children with exactly the same amount of respect that I would want someone else to treat me, even though I have more life experience and knowledge than they do. In fact, I believe it’s my responsibility as their parent to do so and model that kind of proper behavior for them.

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I do have one more question for you, coming from a stepmother’s perspective, too. Why is it that you moved your children away from their father after/during the divorce? Was he on board with that? When he divorced you, did he also divorce the kids? Do you think that’s good for them?