I love the passing of time

I think that Allison thinks that Shelby is somehow oppressing Annie.

As we were getting ready to go to the pool, tonight, Shelby & Annie were having an argument/discussion about something. It was about a game - at the time, I wasn’t sure if it was about the new gameboy games, or about some other game that they had made up. Sounded like Shelby was trying to persuade Annie to do something his way. Annie was whining her replies.

Allison said something to Shelby like “Don’t do that to her”. Or, maybe she said something to me like “He’s doing it to her again”. Or, maybe it was even “They’re at it again”. I asked what it was & she said just that they were fighting about something & she didn’t want to hear them fighting any more today.

On the way to the car, I tried to talk to them about it. Didn’t get much out of them, but you could tell there was a conversation that Shelby wanted to continue with Annie, but didn’t want me telling him what to say (or, maybe, knew that he was not being fair, but knew that he could manipulate Annie). Thing is, just as much as he’s ‘manipulating’ her - she’s doing the same right back at him, he just doesn’t realize it (and I don’t know that I like Annie to be learning how to play someone’s emotions for fun - getting them to ‘beg’ for something that she’s just as willing to give them).

As I’m looking for the pool passes (in the car, then in the van), Allison gets out of the car, leaving the kids in it. I ask her what’s up & she says something like “He’s at it again”.

I get my driver’s license from the house, get back in the car, find the passes :doh & start talking I ask Shelby what’s up. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it. I tell him we’re not going into the pool (which closes in 45 minutes), until I find out what’s going on. Allison says something like, “It just bothers me, I guess. I suppose I should just let them work it out on their own, but she’s better than that. She shouldn’t put up with it”. I say, “So, tell them that. Tell them what you’re thinking.” She turns to Annie & says “You’re better than that, okay!”.

Of course, Annie doesn’t really know what that means.

On the way there, I talk to Shelby & Annie until I find out what the discussion was about. Annie made up a game - Shelby wanted her to play it ‘his way’. Just nonsense stuff, really. It’s a nice safe way for them to figure out how to negotiate with other people.

Sure, Annie needs to learn how to assert herself, if it’s important. But, she also needs to learn how to let it go when it isn’t. And, Shelby needs to learn how to do things other people’s way, sometimes, too.

As we pulled in, Allison still seemed annoyed. I told her that she has a right to teach them stuff, too, that she should tell them what she thinks. She said “I guess, but they don’t listen to me”.

I said, “They don’t listen to me, either. Not all the time, anyway. Neither do you. Or, you don’t seem to all of the time, anyway. But, I think that some of what I have said has made sense to you & you have decided to use it. Same will happen with them.”

“In fact, it’s a good thing for them to hear as many different ideas about life as possible, so that they can decide how they want to live. We have to encourage them to *think about* all of the ideas & form their own opinions about what’s good for them & for the world. ”

I talked to them all the way into the pool, touching on the fact that Shelby can’t make ultimatums to Annie - “If you don’t do this, then I won’t give you or play with you”. At the same time, I admitted that he probably learned that from me, because I do seem to make those kind of statements to them sometimes, too. Allison said, “Yeah, but you’re allowed to do that - you’re supposed to do that - you’re the parent”. I said, “No, I don’t have the right to do that anymore than anyone else in the house. We are all expected to behave the same”.

Then I gave it a break until bath-time, when I talked to the little ones again, (which is the best way to approach morality-type lessons with Shelby, when he’s a step away from it & not feeling so ‘attacked’). And, I tried to make sure that Allison would hear a bit of me talking to them, on their level, about the lessons I wanted them to learn in this- give and take, honesty, fairness.

I made sure that Shelby understood that I tried to make my ‘If you don’t , then we can’t ‘ statements fair and *real*. For example, “if you don’t help me by getting dressed yourself, we won’t be able to go to the pool because it will be closed if I have to take the time to help you do this thing that you can do yourself”. Or, “If you don’t help me pick up the toys, then I will put them away somewhere & not let you play with them, because the other people in the house don’t like seeing your mess -and- I don’t like having to pick it up. So, if you can’t play with them politely, as a member of this family, then you can’t have them”.

I repeated the point a few times for them that they shouldn’t do things because others tell them to do it - they should do things because they know that it’s the right thing to do, and because they want to do them. Of course, sometimes, you do things that you might not *want to* do, but know that they are right or that they are polite or kind. That’s OK, too. But, don’t be doing yucky things that you don’t want to do just because you’re afraid someone’s going to be mean to you if you don’t.

And, it all got me to thinking about that song that she likes, but doesn’t ever really talk about ‘what it means’. Passive Manipulation by the White Stripes - ironically, I think, written by Jack White for Meg to sing…

Women, listen to your mothers
Don’t just succumb to the wishes of your brothers
Take a step back, take a look at one another
You need to know the difference…
Between a father and a lover (repeat)

I think that I might have a few things to teach her, in the next few years. Stuff that I don’t know if I really learned until much later in my life. Stuff that I don’t think her mom’s quite got, yet. Hope she listens to me

1) Just because a boy and a girl have a discussion & come to an agreement that favors the boy’s side of things doesn’t mean that the girl is being oppressed or is succumbing to a man’s wishes. It might just mean that the boy was more ‘right’ this time & the girl recognized it. Or, that they came to an agreement to try it his way this time. It doesn’t have to be about ‘men’ and ‘women’ when men & women interact. It can just be two people.

2) Men can be *more* than just father or lover. They can be so much more. Just like women can be more than mother or lover. We’re all just people. Men just as much as women.