Teaching men about emotions
Betsy’s Blog has me thinking about gender differences again. The implication, as far as I can tell, is that men are unable to act as proper emotional partners to their wives. And, that feminists are somehow forcing them to do it, anyway.
I like to think that, instead, society (men and women included) is beginning to recognize the value added to any relationship that is based on empathy & compassion. And, that we are all trying to learn how to use them more in our lives, and encouraging others to do the same.
In googling around on the subject, I found this article, available only in cached form, as far as I can tell, from an apparently defunct website (http://www.familywisdom.com). I wonder what else the website espoused, as I truly like what I read in the linked article. It gets better further down, where it talks about whether men are capable of feeling and expressing emotions.
My other concern about this new trend to worry about husbands while forgetting about wives is that it implies that men somehow need taking care of. In a seminar I attended recently on helping those involved in domestic violence I heard the presenter talk about how it is normal for men not to be in touch with their emotions, and how it is important for their wives to help them with this. I thought about how society trains men to fly F-16’s, program computers, build skyscrapers, profile criminals, drive race cars, run corporations etc. but somehow neglected to help them figure out normal human emotions. Or perhaps the implication is that men are biologically incapable of handling emotions. If I were a man, I would feel very demeaned by all of this.
Certainly men are capable of feeling their emotions and of expressing them. How many athletes have we seen on television, after having been caught in some scandal, crying uncontrollably on television as they apologize? And on a more positive note, how many men cry with joy at the birth of their children, or express their fears when someone they love is ill? Men are perfectly capable of expressing their emotions and we have to stop telling them they are deficient in this respect.
To return to my daughter for a minute, she is doing a fantastic job of raising a little boy who can express feelings as well as empathy and compassion. Sean has learned to use feeling words from her as well as from playing with Thomas the tank engine, who, he frequently tells us, is either happy or sad. Yesterday, with his 9 month old sister screaming in the car seat next to him as we were driving home from an outing, Sean reached over to Grace, held her hand and said “It’s okay Acy. You don’t need to scream.” The day before, when a little girl had pushed him and he fell, he told her mother who was scolding her for doing it, “She didn’t mean to do it; it was just an accident.” Sean is already off to a good start in his journey towards manhood. He will, should things continue in this direction, become a good husband to someone, a husband who doesn’t expect just to be taken care of but who is also willing to be a caretaker. {As, I believe, all good relationships should be - taking care of each other and the relationship, together}
It is hard to be a man and the sole breadwinner in a family. But it is also hard to be a woman taking care of small children. It is even harder when she is pregnant. And when she has to join her husband as breadwinner, she has two full time jobs. Giving her one more task, to be a caretaker of the grown man that is her husband and feel sorry for him because he works hard and can’t deal with his own feelings, not only burdens an already overburdened woman, but demeans the adult man that she married. {although, I do think that both partners should feel empathy for each other and want to be each other’s caretaker}
Perhaps we who are in the position of advising others ought to be compassionate to both genders, realize that marital problems are rarely the fault of only one person, and encourage BOTH spouses to be patient, understanding, appreciative and generous with each other.
That kid had heart, just needed a little mentoring to ground him & give him some direction. Can’t wait for the Iron Enforcer to be eliminated, but kind of like having him there so that I don’t have to root for anyone else to be eliminated.
