I love the passing of time

Can’t link to the thread directly, right now, because I’m at work & Explorer crashes whenever I go to livejournal for some reason… But, it’s the 11/27 post at Allison’s blog

Just a short little pathetic comment that’s meant to do what???

I know that Al read it last night, because she mentioned another comment to me on that same post, one that was added *after* the ‘mom’ one.

I wish I could get inside her head. If she really wanted us to, we could push harder to get her mom to communicate. I’ll bet I could do it in one fell swoop by sending a confrontational letter to mom from me. It would be angry involvement, then, probably, but I don’t know that it’s possible for it to be any other way, anyway. Or, if she would just share how she’s feeling about all of this I could be her ally in dealing with feelings of loss or anger or glee she might be having about it all, too. But, she just won’t talk about any of that. Maybe she actually doesn’t care.

She’s got this thing where she’ll do whatever she’s told whether she wants to do it or not. And, where she won’t make the simplest of decisions for herself, sometimes. I know that it’s all got to be related to all of this crap that’s happened in her life so far. I am working with her on fixing these behaviors on their own. I guess that’s the best I can do.

Jim blogged about this here. He’s been reading a lot of wikipedia -and- decided to blog about interesting things he finds. Also, he’s very interested in Discordianism (is that the right word?) and I always find the principles to be thought-provoking, too.

I loved this story and wanted to post it here, to share it with anyone who like to read it, too.

The Myth of Ichabod(The Myth of Starbuck)From Principia Discordia, First Editionand Summa Universalia

This story appears as “The Myth of Ichabod” in the once virtually unfindable Principia Discordia, First Edition, and in the still unfindable Summa Universalia. It is very closely related to “Starbuck’s Pebbles” found on page 54 of the easily findable Principia Discordia, Fourth Edition. In a 1979 interview that appeared in the afterword to the Loompanics Edition of the fourth edition (is this confusing?), Greg Hill called this story “The Myth of Starbuck.” Hill regretted that it hadn’t been used in the widely available Principia. We are pleased to present it here.Note that words that are listed in brackets, [ ], were difficult to read in the copy of the first edition we stole, but are almost certainly correct. Two Smagmoids and a Fnord to Rev. DrJon Swabey for revealing this to us.

There once was a huge boulder, perched precariously, on the edge of a cliff. For hundreds of years this boulder was there, rocking and swaying, but always keeping its balance just perfectly. But one year, there happened to be a severe windstorm; severe enough it was, to topple the boulder from its majectic height and dash it to the bottom cf the cliff, far far below. Needless to say, the boulder was smashed into many pieces. Where it hit, the ground was covered with a carpet of pebbles–some small and some large–but pebbles and pebbles and more pebbles for as far as you could walk in an hour.

One day, after all this, a young man by the name of Ichabod happened on the area. Being a fellow of keen mind and observational powers, naturally he was quite astounded to see so many stones scattered so closely on the ground. Now Ichabod was very much interested in the nature of things, and he spent the whole afternoon looking at pebbles, and measuring the size of pebbles, and feeling the weight of pebbles, and just pondering about pebbles in general.

He spent the night there, not wanting to lose this miraculous find, and awoke the next morning full of enthusiasm. He spent many days on his carpet of stones.

Eventually he noticed a very strange thing. There were three rather large stones on the carpet and they formed a triangle–almost (but not quite) equilateral. He was amazed. Looking further he found four very white stones that were arranged in a lopsided square. Then he saw that by disregarding one white stone and thinking of that grey stone a foot over instead, it was a perfect square! And if you chose this stone, and that stone, and that one, and that one and that one you have a pentagon as large as the triangle. And here a small hexagon. And there a square partially inside of the hexagon. And a decagon. And two triangles inter-locked. And a circle. And a smaller circle within the circle. And a triangle within that which has a red stone, a grey stone and a white stone.

Ichabod spent many hours finding many designs that became more and more complicated as his powers of observation grew with practice. Then he began to log his designs in a large leather book; and as he counted designs and described them, the pages began to fill as the sun continued to return.

He had begun his second ledger when a friend came by. His friend was a poet and also interested in the nature of things.”My friend,” cried Ichabod, “come quickly! I have discovered the most wonderous thing in the universe.” The poet hurried over to him, quite anxious to see what it was.Ichabod showed him the carpet of stones…but the poet only laughed and said “It’s nothing but scattered rocks!”"But look,” said Ichabod, ’see this triangle and that [square] and that and that.” And he proceeded to show his friend the harvest of his many days study.

When the poet saw the designs he turned to the ledgers and by the time he was finished with these, he too was overwhelmed.He began to write poetry about the marvelous designs. And as he wrote and contemplated he became sure that the designs must mean something. Such order and beauty is too monumental to be senseless. And the designs were there, Ichabod had showed him [that.]

The poet went back to the village and read his new poetry. And all who heard him went to the cliff to see first hand the [carpet] of designs. And all returned to the village to spread the word. Then as the enthusiasm grew there developed a group of those who love beauty and nature, all of whom went to live right at the Designs themselves. Together they wanted to see every design that was there.Some wrote ledger about just triangles. Others described the circles. Others concentrated on red colored stones–and they happened to be the first to see designs springing from outside the carpet. They, and some others, saw designs everywhere they went.”How blind we have been,” they said.The movement grew and grew and grew.

And all who could see the designs knew that they had to have been put there by a Great Force. “Nothing but a Great Force,” said the philosophers, “could create this immense beauty!”"Yes,” said the world, “nothing but a god could create such magnificent order. Nothing but a God.”

And that was the day that God was born. And ever since then, all men have known Him for His infinite power and all men have loved Him for His infinite wisdom.

The thing that I love best about it is that it’s possible that whether the pebbles created patterns because of random chance, or because of some God that made itself known by creating the patterns, they are still way cool & deserving of poetry and awe

A cousin was over a few nights ago. I told him that I had just made molasses cookies (I’ve been making them a lot, lately) & that if he wanted some, they were in the kitchen. He said that they sounded yummy, but he didn’t know what they were

Allison said “You know, they’re the ones I told you about. They taste like Fall.”

:D That made me feel all happy inside

Shelby (laying in bed, at bedtime, thinking about world problems before he falls asleep, apparently): Mom… You know how war is a job, right?

Me: Right

Shelby: Well, then it could be kind of bad if there was a president who said ‘No more war’, because then they would have to find another job. And, it’s hard to find a job sometimes because other people are signing up for the job, too and it could be them instead of you. And, then they’ll have to find another one…

Watched the movie Heathers with Allison last night. She’s off school all week, so we can stay up late & watch movies & stuff - Yay! I forgot how dark that movie was, but Al liked it (maybe that’s why she liked it )

Funny/wry quote from the movie:
Whether or not a teenager decides to kill themselves is the biggest decision of their life.

Another good quote:
Let’s pretend I blew up the school… all the schools. Now that you’re dead, what are you gonna do with your life?

Things have been going good with Allison - as good as they can go - much better than we could have hoped for. She & Shelby & Annie are developing their own relationships with each other, outside of their shared relationship with Jim & I. It’s cool to watch. I see her really taking on her role of ‘big sister’, but in such a thoughtful, mature, loving way.

I also see her jumping into life in *my* family, too. My sisters have suddenly realized that Allison is of babysitting age & are calling her to watch her kids. At first Al wasn’t into it. But her attitude seems to have changed, I think after she overheard me on the phone to one of my sisters, telling her that babysitting just wasn’t something that Al naturally wanted to do like it was for us. My mom did daycare - and - we had nieces/nephews who needed sitting when we were teens - it all just seemed like the thing to do at the time. In our minds, that’s just what teenage girls *did*. Anyway, now Al seems to be enjoying that role, that responsibility - seems to be really exploring that side of herself to see what’s there, thinking about how she wants little kids to see her and how she wants their parents to see her, too. It’s hard to pinpoint specific things she’s doing that make me see this, but it’s definitely there in her interaction with little kids, more so than it ever was before.

She has been talking about wanting to do something different with her hair lately, too. I’m trying to find a good salon out by us who can deal with black hair. I want to make sure we go somewhere where they know what they’re doing. I question myself & my own values when I realize that I don’t have any black friends to ask about this. I think, am I discriminating in some way, even if it’s not conciously? Then, I realize, I don’t really have any white friends who I can ask about this, either. And realize that it’s not a racial issue, really - the problem is simply that I am a big loser without friends…

I’ve started networking with some other moms who have biracial kids, to see if they can point me in the right direction. And, if I ever get a chance here at work & work up the nerve, I may ask one of the black women who works out on the floor. Again, I wonder if I’d be this nervous about going up to a white woman who works out on the floor & asking her about her hair stylist. And, I think that I would be. I don’t ever talk to any of them - I work in IT, on the programming end. I don’t go out on the floor for anything, really. I work with client services, setting up accounts, mostly through IM. I don’t know anyone out there on the floor except for my sister, my niece and a few of the people who have been on the phones for years & years (back when I was on the phones, too).

I like that this is helping me to explore myself, stretch & grow. Something as simple as getting Allison a haircut

“Let’s teach our children from a very young age about the story of the universe and its incredible richness and beauty. It is already so much more glorious and awesome — and even comforting — than anything offered by any scripture or God concept I know.” - Carolyn Porco

“Science does not make it impossible to believe in God,” Dr. Krauss insisted. “We should recognize that fact and live with it and stop being so pompous about it.”

It’s kind of like the way I continue to believe in Santa, despite all parental evidence to the contrary. I know how it works. But, there’s still something magical there in the way we all interact with each other and with the world. There’s something wonderful about the way a simple act or word can bring so much joy. There’s something beautiful and surprising and mystical in the way we’re all connected, in the synchronicity that brought us all here and things that we do that bring meaning into our lives.

Over the weekend, I decided to send Shelby’s teacher a Thanksgiving e-card, just to let her know how much we appreciate her. I did it after the kids went to sleep, but mentioned it in passing to Shelby on Sunday night, so that he would know what was going on if his teacher mentioned it to him.

Yesterday evening, I saw Shelby working on something at the kitchen table. I looked over his shoulder & saw this:

He says he’s going to slip it into her ‘Love Notes’ box today (the inbox where the kids are supposed to put notes to her from their parents). I hope he goes through with it

My 1st grade son is way too sensitive or maybe he’s way too hard on himself, too much of a perfectionist. Actually, I think it’s a combination of both.

Now, this doesn’t happen all of the time, but it’s happened often enough that his teacher has noticed it -and- the other kids in class have, too. We see it at home, too.

A couple of examples from his Cub Scout meeting last night.

They were working on a family tree. All of the boys sitting around a table. The Den Leader had drawn & colored trees on paper & passed them out to the kids. She had a whiteboard with a similar tree on it (not colored, though), where she had written ‘Me’ on the trunk, ‘My Mom’ and ‘My Dad’ on the first set of branches, ‘My sister’ and ‘My brother’ on tiny branches, ‘Grandma’ & ‘Grandpa’ higher up, etc.

The boys were all talking, a bit. And, the Den mom was standing up at the front, telling the boys what to do. Speaking to them individually, but out loud across the table. She doesn’t know my son very well yet & she shouldn’t have to, really - he should learn to deal with stuff like this.

His marker wasn’t working very well. *And* it was the same color as the already colored in tree trunk.

I could see him trying to listen to her & understand the instructions (but didn’t know about his pen problem). She was going around (standing at the other end of the table) asking the boys how they were doing, if they got their name on the bottom of the trunk yet, etc. When she asked Shelby (my son), “Shelby, did you write your name on the trunk yet”, he answered, but I could hear in his voice that he was fighting the urge to cry, so it was hard to understand him. He said something like, “I can’t fit it there, can I write it on the side”. I don’t think she understood him & I knew that if he had to answer again, he would start crying, so I went over, got close to him & started helping him out. (Probably a habit that contributes to the problem, I know – but, I couldn’t just stand there & let him start crying in front of all the other boys, though, either –and- some of the other moms & dads were already by their kids helping them, anyway)

Even with me sitting by him, speaking quietly & working with him, he still was worried about getting it exactly right – the way that it was ‘supposed to’ be. I helped him get a different marker that could be seen on the drawing. When we got to the part where we wrote in the Grandparents, I told him that Dad’s Dad & Mom liked to be called ‘Mama & Papa’ instead of ‘Grandma & Grandpa’. He said that he thought we had better write ‘Grandma & Grandpa’ because that’s what the leader said to do. Even though the kids all around us were talking to their parents & adding in stuff like aunts & uncles & cousins.

He wrote his little sister’s name backward – both the individual letters & the whole word. He does that sometimes & I usually just ignore it. Because if I point it out to him, he’ll be mad/sad that he made a mistake. I took a chance & pointed it out last night, saying how cool it was that he could mirror-write and, especially, that he did it without even realizing he was doing it. He was OK with that (and even excited to look at it in a mirror when we got home).

After the project, the den mother passed around snacks. I was a couple yards away from him, talking to some of the boys who were down on the floor playing with a guinea pig. I heard Shelby panicking (not loud, but loud enough for me to hear it). He was scrambling to get out of his chair & I thought that he just had an urgent bathroom emergency. When I got over to him, he was sad & worried because he had spilled a little bit of juice (you know the part that squirts out of a juice box when you stick the straw in) onto his picture. Again, he was near tears. I think he was worried that it was going to be graded in some way & he wanted it to be right (it was only his 2nd den meeting & he really really really wants to earn achievement badges). I went & got a tissue & dried it up for him. The picture was a little smeared, but just fine, really.

In a nutshell ( :rofl ), I think that he wants to be perfect, to do everything right -and- he’s embarrassed about drawing attention to himself if he’s doing things wrong (or if he did something that someone might laugh at him for - i.e. not knowing what to do when his pen’s not working right) -and- the embarrassment or fear of it makes him cry.

Maybe it’s just a maturity issue & he’s not quite there yet. Maybe it only happens when he’s too tired (meeting was at 7pm & he still isn’t really used to the time change, yet). It does seem to be getting better at home, anyway. And, his teacher (who I LOVE) is aware of it & is working on it with him, too. When she sees it starting, she’ll give him a firm “Shelby” & a ‘we talked about this & I know you want to get control of yourself’ kind of look.

Useless mommy guilt has me wondering what I did wrong to end up with this kind of perfectionist. Should I have been (should I be) more obvious when making my own mistakes & more vocal about how I was dealing with them? Should I not have expected him to take responsibility for himself & try to do his best? Did I get too frustrated/mad about messes that he made, especially the accidental spill kind of things (even when they happened because of wildness)? Does he worry too much about pleasing me or pleasing others that he respects (teachers, den leaders, etc)?

Sigh…

How do you build your child’s confidence? How do you teach them to deal with unusual situations & mistakes?

Here’s the kids in their costumes

I really don’t understand. Well, I think that I might, but I might be wrong, too.

And, I know, I should just stop reading these angry rantings. It’s really not my business. I’m not part of the childfree community at all. But, I like finding out about new people, people who are different from me. It’s interesting, keeps my mind open and, I think, makes me better able to understand other people. Also, I just hate seeing people so sad & angry -and- I’m trying to understand (and, I like reading what Robin writes, which leads me to clicking on these other things, too). :-p

Some of my replies to some of the stuff that I’ve read when clicking from one thing to another, after reading Robin’s entry:

People angry at parents because, when parents leave workplace to attend kids’ stuff, they have to cover:

Why should it matter to you how I use my vacation time or sick time? Isn’t that something that’s between my employer & me? You have vacation & sick time available to you, too. I don’t care how you use it. I will probably hate doing extra work in your absence, too - but, that’s how work works. If you don’t have vacation or sick time & I do & we work at the same place, you are really being treated unfairly by our employer. That really doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that I decided to be a parent, though.

People angry at parents who bring kids to restaurants:

Isn’t your anger misdirected or, at best, generalized? Shouldn’t you be angry at parents who bring kids to restaurants and then don’t supervise them or teach them to behave properly? I know you don’t want to hear this, but… My kids do behave nicely in restaurants, because we teach them how. If they are not behaving properly & we can’t get them to behave, we would leave the restaurant (although, I can only think of one time when this happened and that wasn’t really a behavior issue so much as it was a child becoming ill). The only way that I can think of to teach kids how to behave properly in a restaurant is to bring them to one and then supervise them while there.

So, if you’re at a restaurant & the behavior of the other patrons is making you uncomfortable, you should let the manager know. And, you should decide whether to stay or not. It’s a straight business decision on the manager’s part, from there.

Not wanting to hear others talk about their kids or parenting:

Hey, it’s just conversation. If you find that topic boring, then change the subject or end the conversation. I find conversations about football boring. So, if someone talks to me about it, I just laugh & say, as politely as I can, that I don’t really follow football. Then, if I’m in the mood, I listen & continue the conversation, to see if I can learn anything more about it.

Another example - I have chosen not to eat meat (haven’t eaten it in about 20 years). If people start talking about recipes that include meat, I will probably politely say “Sounds yummy”. Who knows, maybe the recipe will be easily adapted to my meat-free lifestyle. Maybe not. If they offer me meat, I’ll say “No thanks”. I might even add, with a smile, “I don’t touch the stuff”. If they ask me more about it, I’ll assume that they are interested in my life & answer their questions. Which brings me to the next thing…

People asking you about your kids or when you’re going to have them:

Hey, it’s just conversation (again ). I don’t find it any ruder than someone childfree asking me about my pets, my job, my car, my hobbies. Or, asking me about my vegetarianism or agnosticism. Although, I try to be careful when talking to meat-eaters & religion-believers, to let them know that I respect their decisions, they just don’t work for me.

Children make noise while you’re trying to relax in your apartment, read a book at the beach, listen to your SO tell you how wonderful you are, etc.:

If it’s a public or shared place where quiet behavior is expected or polite, then you’re dealing with *parents* who haven’t taught their children proper behavior. Not all parents are lacking here. I would venture to say that *most* parents are not lacking here. We may not get it right all of the time, but I’m pretty sure that most of us are trying, anyway.

If it’s not a place or time where quiet behavior is expected, you might have to get used to the idea that the world doesn’t, actually, revolve around you.

A child touched your hand while you were waiting in line to pay your bill at IHOP:

WTF? It was an accident, not an attack. Do you not think that you might, possibly, be overreacting? Was this meant to be a joke?

And, I know that no one besides a couple of friends reads my blog, anyway But, what I’d really like to know, just to restore my faith in people in general on this issue, is that there are people out there who have made the hard decision to be childfree (just as it should be a hard decision to *have children*) and have, then, politely moved on with their lives, content in their decision but aware that others may not know their decision or understand it. And, that they know that the other people are not stupid or wrong or out to get them, it just means that they don’t know you well enough, yet.

Are there any childfree people out there who are embarrassed by the angry rantings? I know that I am sometimes embarrassed by the entitled, selfish bad parenting that I see in some families. And, often I am embarrassed by vegetarians who proselytize & make others uncomfortable -or- atheists/agnostics who try to argue with believers about their beliefs or call believers stupid. Not that I didn’t do some of this, myself, when I first chose vegetarianism, or when I was first questioning my own religious beliefs. It’s just that, over time I’ve come to understand that we’re all on different paths in life, all making decisions as best we can, given our own life experiences & personal strengths. And, I’ve come to be more confident in who I am & the choices that I have made.

I really think that it’s great that not everyone decides to have children. It’s a hard job & it’s not for everyone. I even agree that it would be great if fewer people had children, or if more people put more thought into the decision to have children, before doing it. I totally applaud the people who have weighed the decision & made a mature, responsible choice to remain childfree.

I don’t applaud rude, thoughtless, careless, mean behavior in anyone, though.

—- Editing to add thoughts that I had on my ride home from work —-

Just trying to figure out where the anger is coming from & thinking about my experiences when I first went vegetarian. I was young then, not that age really has anything to do with emotional maturity (and not that I mean to call anyone immature, exactly) & hadn’t yet figured out my small place in this big world (and how great it was, along with everyone else’s). I was still trying out different people & lifestyles, trying to figure out who “I” was & learning to love myself as I was, not as anything I was pretending to be.

Anyway, I think, then, that I kind of liked the shock value & attention that I got, stepping outside of the mainstream. Or, maybe it was scary there, standing outside of the mainstream & I would overreact & pose in order to get comfortable there.

Kind of like kids who color their hair blue & purple & green, then snarl, “What are you looking at?” when you notice them.

Does that make sense?

Annie got an uninflated balloon when trick or treating.

She asked me to blow up the balloon & then went to play with it in the living room.

She came back a few minutes later & asked me to put a string on it.

I did (eventually).

After she’d had the string on it for a couple minutes, she came back to me & said “Mom, it’s not going up!”.

I had to explain to her that it’s not the string that makes the balloon go up, but the helium inside of it.

Weird, what kids think.

The other day, as I was leaving work, I walked past a flock of Canadian Geese that were out there on the open grassy field. And, I realized that, when I think about Canadian Geese, I always think that they are actually from Canada & think of them as visiting our country. And, I think of them the way that I do most Canadians, with respect for their more liberal/socialist society.

I’m a dork