I love the passing of time

Another comment today: Allison’s Blog

Right when she got home from school, I told her we’d go shopping tonight to get her some new clothes for Christmas, if she wanted to. She said she had a paper to finish, first.

Once she was done with it, she started asking about the shopping - where, when, who was going… She was acting very indecisive, but not too far beyond her usual frame of mind. I told her I was going to finish up a bit of wrapping, then we’d go. I didn’t notice, but at some point, she went up to her room.

When I was ready to go (right after my 2nd job boss called & asked me to trade tonight for tomorrow night - which I agreed to (but going in later so we could still shop), but which he later called to cancel, anyway), I called up to her to come down so we could get going.

When she came down, she seemed even more distressed, depressed, said something about feeling insecure, but wouldn’t elaborate. Said that while she was up in her room, she fell asleep & now felt all disoriented & knew as she was falling asleep that she shouldn’t be because it was only 5 o’clock.

The whole ride there, she would get close to telling me something about how she was feeling, then back down when I asked follow up questions (”Oh, nevermind” - “it’s nothing” kind of answers)

While we were shopping, she came out of her shell of angst a few times, for a few laughs, a few real desires to have things. But, most of the time, she’d just follow me around, say tat she wasn’t going to make any decisions, that she didn’t want anything, didn’t know what size she was, didn’t care… I was thinking it might be PMS, or some internet relationship/friendship issue & just kept on shopping, talking, trying to get her to feeling better or communicating.

We were looking at a clearance rack & there were black women’s suit jackets on sale. I was joking about the suit jackets as a fashion piece & she said that she thinks they look really nice with jeans, that she used to have one (did she say it was purple or blue?) that she loved, but she doesn’t have it anymore.

sigh…

I told her that she should get one if she wants one, but knew that it wasn’t really the jacket that was missing - it was that whole half of her life, where the jacket was left behind. I can’t buy that for her. I can’t replace that.

Then, I changed the subject, talking about this really cool electric blue taffeta jacket that I used to have back in the 80’s.

When we got out to the car, I saw that Jim had called. I called him back & he told me that 2nd job had called back & they didn’t need me tonight. So, after I got off the phone with him, I asked Allison if there was anywhere else she wanted to go, since I didn’t have to get right home anymore. “C’mon, I’ll take you anywhere. Anywhere at all.” She thought for a minute, then said “No, there’s nowhere I want to go”.

We went to Jewel, anyway I picked up the ingredients I wanted to make stuff to bring to my sister’s house for Christmas & Christmas eve.

Got home & Jim asked her which leftovers she wanted him to heat up for her (it’s leftover night tonight!). She didn’t answer. He gave her two choices. She didn’t answer. I said, “So, does that mean that you want us to pick for you?”. She came back into the kitchen & said, “No, that means that I’m not going to decide. I’m not going to answer”. Then, went up to her room.

We still didn’t know what was up with her. Hadn’t seen the blog comments, yet. Talked to Jim for a bit, quietly & I told him to just pick something & give it to her.

She came down & ate, then went back up to her room. Has been there ever since. That’s when I decided to check the blog & there it was.

Here’s the thing. I’m not going to do anything right away. And, I’m not sure if I will at all. I’m not sure if I’ll just go & do something on my own, or run it past Jim first, maybe even Allison… Or, write something with Jim for him to send. Or, maybe we’ll just continue doing nothing.

But, I figure, whatever we do can’t possibly make it worse, right? Can it? How could it get worse for Allison??? What more could she do?

I want to write a letter, from me to Kim. I want to say something like this (just off the top of my head, thoughts that have been going through my mind since I read the stupid comments):

I think you should know that Allison is fully aware that we have invited you to continue to be a part of her life, that we have offered to drive her to visit you at any school break. I think you should know that she knows you have her cell phone number, her report cards, her school calendar. I think you should know that she knows that the only person who is keeping her from having a relationship with both of her parents, with both sides of her family, is you.

So, when you say ‘I can’t wait for you to be free’, she knows that the only person limiting her freedom to have a complete life with both parents is *you*. She sees, now, that we only did what we had to do, to remain a part of her life. She sees that we want her to have it all, but that you are choosing to remain out of her life - not because we’re not letting you, but because you hate Jim (or yourself for marrying him) *more than you love her*.

How do you explain your situation to other people (without lying, of course - if you lie about it, it’s probably really easy)? But, do you ever explain it, honestly, to anyone? When you’re all sad about not being in your daughter’s life & they ask why, do you ever say, “because I hate her dad”. When they say, “What, he won’t let you see her?”, do you say, “Yes, he does. He even offers to drive her here. He’s given her a private phone number so that I can call her anytime. He sends me her report card, her school’s interactive website for parents, phone numbers, counselor info and medical info, but I choose not to use them because I’m mad at her dad”?

How do you explain yourself to others, to yourself? And, what do you think Allison thinks about it all? She *knows* what’s real. You can’t lie to her about it. It’s her freaking life. She *knows* what’s real. So, when you lie to her about it, about ‘waiting for her to be free’, what do you think that “she’s” thinking?

Sigh. I just get so angry about it sometimes, because I love your little girl so much. She’s smart, sweet, scared, intelligent, has a bitingly fun sense of humor. I wonder, sometimes, how much of that she’s learned from you, how much from Jim, even how much from me.

And, I do wonder how you got yourself where you are right now, how you’ve backed yourself into this corner, how frightening and frustrating it must be for you. I don’t know you at all. I can only ‘know’ you through my relationship with Allison and Jim & what I can see of their relationships with you.

Everyone’s got a whole life’s worth of history that guides them in the decisions they make now. I don’t know yours. I can only guess with the info that I have. And, I’m sure that I’m way off base. Are you trying to impress your mother & family in some way? Are you punishing yourself in some way? Do you not know how to fix this? Or, do you not want to fix it? Do you get some kind of solace in painting yourself a victim?

Do you want to know how you can fix this? Call her. On the phone. Tell her you love her. Give her permission to call you (from what I understand, you told her not to, right?). Ask her to arrange a visit to Ohio with us (you don’t even have to talk to us, we’ll organize it through Allison, if you like, dealing with her fear and unease at the whole thing on our end). Send her a letter, telling her you know you screwed up and asking her to forgive you. Explain yourself to her - not with more lies, but with real honesty, from your heart. She knows the difference, you know.

Stop with the crazy talk, though. That’s how it reads to Allison, as complete self-pitying, manufactured, craziness. She *knows* that you and she are free to have a relationship with each other whenever you allow it. She *knows* that. So, pretending you don’t just leaves her not knowing what to think or feel at all. She knows that you would rather pretend to be a victim than have a relationship with her.

So, what do you think? Do you think something like that could make this situation any worse? How?