Here comes the judge!
Just a little flipping out in response to ignorance (and, I choose words carefully - I do mean ‘ignorance’ as in willfully choosing to not know or understand something) on Yahoo Answers…
On the parenting board, if someone posts a question, they are opening themselves up to people answering it. Some of those answers might be, “I think you’re wrong”. And, that answer is almost always accused of being judgmental (in a puty ’stop judging me’ kind of way).
Sure, no one likes it when someone says that they are wrong.
But, if someone says you’re wrong, but you know that you aren’t, it truly shouldn’t bother you.
For example… Tell me all the reasons why you think I’m wrong for being vegetarian. Or for co-sleeping. Or for loving The Flaming Lips. Or for being agnostic.
I can take it. Because I’ve thought these things over. I’ve lived them. I know that they are right for me. I even believe that some of them would be right for everyone.
No big deal.
I also know how it feels to be judged *when I know I was wrong* or when I realized that I was wrong after hearing the judgement. Ouch. Big ouch. Defensive. Crying inside. Angry defensive on the outside.
My sister was in the hospital a few months back. She lives across the street from me & I was watching her kids & her dog. It added a layer of craziness to our house, but I thought I had it under control. I heard her older son say, a few times, “I just want to sleep in my own bed”, and I would acknowledge that, thinking he meant that he just wanted mom home & things back to normal & would talk to him about how the doctors were doing the best they could & she (and he) would be home soon. The kids were free to go back & forth, during the day, from house to house. And, at our house, they were sleeping in my kids beds (they were sleeping in bed with me)
Another sister, who does not live across the street but who, instead, lives about 10 minutes away (and has kids of her own, too), called me to say that she had been at the hospital visiting & hospitalized sister had asked her if she & her teen would take turns every night, driving to her house (which was across the street from me -and- I have a teen of my own) & sleeping on her sofa, so that her son could sleep in his own bed at night.
I felt judged. I felt hurt. I felt like people were thinking that I was callous & cold to her son. That I didn’t hear what he was really saying. That I didn’t care enough to inconvenience myself & my family to have *us* sleep on a sofa so that he could sleep in his own bed at night. Like he and my sister were both afraid to tell me what they were really feeling, like they didn’t think that I was doing enough.
And, underneath my defensive anger, I did feel bad that I didn’t hear him - really hear him. I feel bad that I didn’t even think to offer that to him. I would probably like it if someone offered that for my kids, after all, if I was in the hospital. I arranged for my teen to sleep over there for him. And, my other sister & her teen took a night, too.
Or, even more painful… Ask me how I felt last night, when I was flipping out, after we got home at 7:15p, after running errands & I hadn’t fed the kids yet (Jim had dinner started, but it still needed another 30 min & I wanted to make some bread, too) & we had new foster puppies that needed taking care of (and who were having a barking challenge with our family dogs while Jim was supposed to be sleeping) & I didn’t know when Allison was going to call to get a ride home from the party she was at… And, I got mad at the kids for not helping me, telling them how frustrated I was & how it just made it worse when they were making barking puppy noises & asking me for drinks & to put games on & not doing what I asked them to, when I asked them to… And, at one point, I saw Annie putting her fingers by her ears & walking away from me with a sad, guilty look on her face.
Ouch. Big huge ouch.
She judged me without even trying. And, it was a good thing. Her judgement was the natural consequence of my bad choice, my inability to see that I needed a break & needed to put things in perspective.
I stopped. I said sorry. I hugged her. And Shelby. I said sorry to the dogs. I took a deep breath. We made it through the night.
Judgement that makes you feel bad is something that you should stop and listen to.
