I love the passing of time

I’m co-chair for this year’s fun fair, coming up on Nov 1. Besides the current issues I’m having with a parent who is feeling slighted, misused & treated badly by PTO, who thinks we are awful, mean people who have no manners or human management skills…

But, beside that, one of the things I’m in charge of is collecting donations.

And, I don’t know if it’s compounded by monthly hormonal changes, but every time someone calls me or I call someone & they make a donation or offer us a deep discount, I find myself choking back tears. It’s just so beautiful seeing people helping people and getting to be a part of it all.

I’m a dork

For the past month or so (maybe more), Annie gets panic attacks from time to time when she doesn’t know where I am. I don’t know if this is happening when she’s just with Jim, too.

I figured it would pass. And, it probably will. I keep calming her down, then trying to get her to think sensibly about it. I tell her that I love her and am a responsible person, so wouldn’t leave her without making sure she’s taken care of. I wouldn’t leave the house or yard without telling her who was in charge. And, I tell her to look in all of the obvious places, first, before panicking - kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, basement, front yard, back yard, garage…

She pre-panics, too, if she knows she’s going to be away from us. We’ve been going to church again, from time to time, to the Geneva UU church, because it’s closer - not sure how I feel about our fit with that group, though or about whether it’s worth our Sunday mornings, yet. But, anyway, when it’s time for the kids to go to their religious education classes, she clings & worries. Her eyes well up with tears. “Where will you be when it’s over? How will I find you?” It’s almost like a toddler’s separation anxiety, but maybe worse because she’s old enough & has enough life experience to have real worries that she can imagine & explain, along with others that she just feels & doesn’t have words for and that makes them even scarier for her, because we can’t solve those with logical answers.

After class, she always says how much fun she’s had & has seemingly forgotten her fears. Until the next week.

And, last night, I was talking to her about an email I’d received from a local theater. They were having auditions for a *paid role* in one of their upcoming Christmas productions. The role was for an 8-10 year old girl & she’s tall enough to be able to pull it off. She’s also a bit stagestruck in her mind, but hasn’t had much of a chance to try it out, yet. She wants to be ‘Annie’ from the musical. She wants to try being in plays.

So, even though it would be time consuming for us & hard work for her (she’d still have to go to school, along with the rehearsals & performances), I asked her if she wanted to do it.

She was so conflicted. She did want to do it, she said, but was afraid because she wouldn’t know where we were while she was on the stage. I told her that a parent would have to be there with each of the kids, I’m sure. And, that we would either be back behind the stage or watching from the audience. I also told her that I couldn’t know until we did it, but that I did know we would never leave her until we knew she knew where to find us.

Who knows, maybe she’ll still decide to give it a try. I don’t think she’d get past the auditions, anyway - they’re asking the kids to bring in headshots & resume’s & she hasn’t done anything professional. I doubt she’s got the skillz they’re looking for. It might be fun to try, though.

And, after this morning’s remembering about the truck, I wonder how much of this separation anxiety stems from that - how much of that fear lingers or is just hitting her now.

It was almost a year ago that the man tried to convince Annie to get into his truck.

This morning, at the bus stop, I was standing there chatting with Annie. She heard a beeping noise that sounded like it was a couple blocks away. She looked a bit startled & looking around, said ‘Why is it beeping like that?’.

I explained that it was a truck backing up somewhere - that big trucks make that noise when they are backing up.

She said ‘That other truck did that - you know, that one…’ and, trailed off

I said, “The one that wanted you to get in with him?”

She said, “Yes”

I said that that was some good information to know, that might help the police, because not all trucks do that, only ones that are big enough where they might not be able to see people all around when they’re backing up.

I asked her if it, maybe, made the beeping noise when the driver opened his door to get out, because regular cars & trucks do that, too.

She said “No, it made that sound while it was parking.”

I know it’s a year later, but I’m going to email this info to the police, now, anyway.